(no subject)

this is me owning my mood. I do not feel entirely okay today.

Tomorrow will be a year since Asshat and I stopped speaking. I'm living a better life these days, but I'm also resigning myself, missing him might just end up being like missing cigarettes, a holdover from less healthy days that I just don't seem to be able to do anything about.

I had a mammogram today. As the middle-aged woman is punching me in the chest, I'm thinking "maybe I won't have these (ie my breasts) next year." And I really, truly don't want to have more surgery. If this happens, this will be the fifth surgery I've had under general, to go along with the six or so that I've had under local.

I had fake Xmas with my parents yesterday, and will have siblingmas with my little brothers and their wife/girlfriends Thursday. I'm bringing dessert. Last year, I gave Media the promise of a fancy dinner and he gave me the promise of hugging a beluga down at Mystic. We never followed through.

I'm angry at Weight Watchers. The changing of the points plan has entirely sunk my battleship, and as much as I want to be in better shape/weigh less, I'm quickly sliding into the idea of food being good or bad, and it's a quick and slippery slope to thinking that all eating is bad, or that I'm overweight because I'm bad.

My arisia email shit the bed over the weekend, and as I wasn't reading it, a huge mass of emails collected, many of them dramatic, and though it has nothing to do with me, it still makes me anxious.

I'm trying to convince myself I don't feel weird about not having new year's eve plans with anyone other than Light and the cats. I've decided if we're staying in, then we're going to cook something over-the-top (probably from Spice, since I just got it) and watch all four die hard movies in a row.

I'm feeling insecure and insignificant, and a little bit scared of going to my in-laws. I know this passes, but I'm just not feeling it at the moment.

(no subject)

this is me owning my mood. I do not feel entirely okay today.

Tomorrow will be a year since Asshat and I stopped speaking. I'm living a better life these days, but I'm also resigning myself, missing him might just end up being like missing cigarettes, a holdover from less healthy days that I just don't seem to be able to do anything about.

I had a mammogram today. As the middle-aged woman is punching me in the chest, I'm thinking "maybe I won't have these (ie my breasts) next year." And I really, truly don't want to have more surgery. If this happens, this will be the fifth surgery I've had under general, to go along with the six or so that I've had under local.

I had fake Xmas with my parents yesterday, and will have siblingmas with my little brothers and their wife/girlfriends Thursday. I'm bringing dessert. Last year, I gave Media the promise of a fancy dinner and he gave me the promise of hugging a beluga down at Mystic. We never followed through.

I'm angry at Weight Watchers. The changing of the points plan has entirely sunk my battleship, and as much as I want to be in better shape/weigh less, I'm quickly sliding into the idea of food being good or bad, and it's a quick and slippery slope to thinking that all eating is bad, or that I'm overweight because I'm bad.

My arisia email shit the bed over the weekend, and as I wasn't reading it, a huge mass of emails collected, many of them dramatic, and though it has nothing to do with me, it still makes me anxious.

I'm trying to convince myself I don't feel weird about not having new year's eve plans with anyone other than Light and the cats. I've decided if we're staying in, then we're going to cook something over-the-top (probably from Spice, since I just got it) and watch all four die hard movies in a row.

I'm feeling insecure and insignificant, and a little bit scared of going to my in-laws. I know this passes, but I'm just not feeling it at the moment.