(no subject)

I always feel as though I should claim a day is busy unless there's being work for which I'm getting paid in it. But today I have been to the gym (strength training is bizarrely fun), cleaned the house, finally broken down all the old cardboard boxes (it turns out our bedroom is huge when I move all the clutter out), have gone to acupuncture, returned to clean some more, and shortly heading out for therapy, returning, ordering a ludicrous amount of greek food, and then having my coworkers over for Rock Band.

So, I'm feeling a little daunted. My response to this is to post to livejournal and drink tea.

I bailed on Arisia this weekend, not feeling like I could put my game face on. Instead, we watched an entire seasons-worth of Supernatural and drove up to NH to visit an animal shelter, full of cats and a few dogs. We didn't take anything home, though the deaf black lab named Silver, and the two twelve-year-old pairbonded calicos were damn hard to resist.

I still want some more socializing, but I understand that I'm not actually in a place to do so. I'm recognizing now how one-note I'm being, but it seems so very hard to stop.

My self-esteem shouldn't be quite so in-the-gutter, I recognize that. The individual in question is not the arbiter of my worth, or my single chance at happiness. I have plans, awesome plans, in the future, and I have done very interesting things in the past month, despite wanting to hide under the covers forever. I am married to the nicest person in the world, and have bizarre but extremely lovable cats.

But I'm reading, and cleaning, and maybe soon, I'll even start cooking again. I told Light that I'll take a couple months, get my feet back under me, and go back out there and start being awesome. And maybe I'll find whatever peace I had (or think I had, I realize I'm not the best judge of anything these days) in some other way.

I ask Light tell me stories, where I'm comfortable in my skin again, and mainline Supernatural and try to stay away from my laptop. I wish I could force this, like a bulb out of season, to just be over, I hate the idea of just having to hang in there and wait for time to pass.

I don't want him back, exactly, except for when I do. But I want every song on my Ipod not to twist the knife, I want to feel safe, like I'm not chasing after anything anymore, I want to not feel that weird empty feeling under my sternum. I want the way I felt when I was with him back, and I don't know what steps (if any) to take to get it back. It can't be him anymore, he's rejected me pretty thoroughly and viciously, though sadly that doesn't make me miss him any less. And it can't be anybody new for a while, because I'm feeling pretty ruined in regards to my ability to trust.

So I've got to find something inside me, and almost all my energy these days is being delegated to not crawling in the bottle, not freaking out about the future. I found out recently that an ex from college, with whom I haven't spoken in over ten years, has leukemia and it seems to have shifted my grasp on everything I'm grappling with in a not-very-useful kind of way. Her tragedy, not mine, I realize, but it makes me feel even more unmoored.

Once more into the breach, and all that. I have a tattoo consult, tickets to a Jeffrey Foucault concert, a Kris Delmhorst concert and a Melissa Ferrick concert. I have visitors this weekend, and purring cats right now. I'm actually getting up off my couch and going to work, the gym and therapy. And in the future, I shall rock even harder.

(no subject)

I always feel as though I should claim a day is busy unless there's being work for which I'm getting paid in it. But today I have been to the gym (strength training is bizarrely fun), cleaned the house, finally broken down all the old cardboard boxes (it turns out our bedroom is huge when I move all the clutter out), have gone to acupuncture, returned to clean some more, and shortly heading out for therapy, returning, ordering a ludicrous amount of greek food, and then having my coworkers over for Rock Band.

So, I'm feeling a little daunted. My response to this is to post to livejournal and drink tea.

I bailed on Arisia this weekend, not feeling like I could put my game face on. Instead, we watched an entire seasons-worth of Supernatural and drove up to NH to visit an animal shelter, full of cats and a few dogs. We didn't take anything home, though the deaf black lab named Silver, and the two twelve-year-old pairbonded calicos were damn hard to resist.

I still want some more socializing, but I understand that I'm not actually in a place to do so. I'm recognizing now how one-note I'm being, but it seems so very hard to stop.

My self-esteem shouldn't be quite so in-the-gutter, I recognize that. The individual in question is not the arbiter of my worth, or my single chance at happiness. I have plans, awesome plans, in the future, and I have done very interesting things in the past month, despite wanting to hide under the covers forever. I am married to the nicest person in the world, and have bizarre but extremely lovable cats.

But I'm reading, and cleaning, and maybe soon, I'll even start cooking again. I told Light that I'll take a couple months, get my feet back under me, and go back out there and start being awesome. And maybe I'll find whatever peace I had (or think I had, I realize I'm not the best judge of anything these days) in some other way.

I ask Light tell me stories, where I'm comfortable in my skin again, and mainline Supernatural and try to stay away from my laptop. I wish I could force this, like a bulb out of season, to just be over, I hate the idea of just having to hang in there and wait for time to pass.

I don't want him back, exactly, except for when I do. But I want every song on my Ipod not to twist the knife, I want to feel safe, like I'm not chasing after anything anymore, I want to not feel that weird empty feeling under my sternum. I want the way I felt when I was with him back, and I don't know what steps (if any) to take to get it back. It can't be him anymore, he's rejected me pretty thoroughly and viciously, though sadly that doesn't make me miss him any less. And it can't be anybody new for a while, because I'm feeling pretty ruined in regards to my ability to trust.

So I've got to find something inside me, and almost all my energy these days is being delegated to not crawling in the bottle, not freaking out about the future. I found out recently that an ex from college, with whom I haven't spoken in over ten years, has leukemia and it seems to have shifted my grasp on everything I'm grappling with in a not-very-useful kind of way. Her tragedy, not mine, I realize, but it makes me feel even more unmoored.

Once more into the breach, and all that. I have a tattoo consult, tickets to a Jeffrey Foucault concert, a Kris Delmhorst concert and a Melissa Ferrick concert. I have visitors this weekend, and purring cats right now. I'm actually getting up off my couch and going to work, the gym and therapy. And in the future, I shall rock even harder.