(no subject)

I want a cigarette. I keep having dreams wherein people offer me cigarettes, and sometimes I taken them and it's totally fine that I did and sometimes I take them and it's the worst thing I've ever done, but I never say no.

And it's a very specific thing I want from the cigarette. I want the world to take a step back for a moment, give me space to get a little perspective, and then it can start up again. And as of yet, five years and change later, I have found nothing that will do that for me. Yes, I'm happier and healthier and I still don't intend to start smoking again, but I would pay a whole lot of money if I could, a handful of times a day, just check out for a couple minutes, get that little bit of perspective and then pick everything back up and continue moving forward.

Someone today at work asked me to use a different phrase for something, and for some reason, I nearly melted into the floor and/or cried. And it shouldn't faze me, and I won't let it change my actions but oh by all that anyone holds holy, the only way I could think of to cope with it was a cigarette, and since that wasn't available, I just sort of spent a while beating myself up, in turns for saying the thing and for not being able to react comfortably to someone's request.

But, whatever. I'm home now and there are dishes to do and things to tidy. I fell asleep at 8pm two nights in a row, once just because and once with a fierce migraine. Hopefully tonight, I'll stay away a little longer. And I'm telling myself bedtime stories of getting into the rhythm of working, finding a calm place and being able to be social comfortably. Or just knitting and playing a lot of computer games.

Facebook drives me a little bit mad, and there's all these people from my past that I might get to do tea with at some point in the future (noises have been made, but plans have not) and I think it's a good thing, I think that if I can even produce a fraction of the comfort I get from chile from some other part of my past, it's well worth a little bit of rejection but oh how I hate waiting for emails.

Otherwise, things go well. My new KitchenAid blender is the pinnacle of sexy, my cat remains incredibly annoying, and my birthday approaches and brings with it all sorts of fun introspection. I like the book I'm reading, I have a new cross-stitch project to start and my husband still rocks.

Also, world at large, I long for stitch'n'bitch. I think I've got the space, but not necessarily the appropriately arranged furniture nor a large enough friend group to manifest one. Suggestions?

(no subject)

I want a cigarette. I keep having dreams wherein people offer me cigarettes, and sometimes I taken them and it's totally fine that I did and sometimes I take them and it's the worst thing I've ever done, but I never say no.

And it's a very specific thing I want from the cigarette. I want the world to take a step back for a moment, give me space to get a little perspective, and then it can start up again. And as of yet, five years and change later, I have found nothing that will do that for me. Yes, I'm happier and healthier and I still don't intend to start smoking again, but I would pay a whole lot of money if I could, a handful of times a day, just check out for a couple minutes, get that little bit of perspective and then pick everything back up and continue moving forward.

Someone today at work asked me to use a different phrase for something, and for some reason, I nearly melted into the floor and/or cried. And it shouldn't faze me, and I won't let it change my actions but oh by all that anyone holds holy, the only way I could think of to cope with it was a cigarette, and since that wasn't available, I just sort of spent a while beating myself up, in turns for saying the thing and for not being able to react comfortably to someone's request.

But, whatever. I'm home now and there are dishes to do and things to tidy. I fell asleep at 8pm two nights in a row, once just because and once with a fierce migraine. Hopefully tonight, I'll stay away a little longer. And I'm telling myself bedtime stories of getting into the rhythm of working, finding a calm place and being able to be social comfortably. Or just knitting and playing a lot of computer games.

Facebook drives me a little bit mad, and there's all these people from my past that I might get to do tea with at some point in the future (noises have been made, but plans have not) and I think it's a good thing, I think that if I can even produce a fraction of the comfort I get from chile from some other part of my past, it's well worth a little bit of rejection but oh how I hate waiting for emails.

Otherwise, things go well. My new KitchenAid blender is the pinnacle of sexy, my cat remains incredibly annoying, and my birthday approaches and brings with it all sorts of fun introspection. I like the book I'm reading, I have a new cross-stitch project to start and my husband still rocks.

Also, world at large, I long for stitch'n'bitch. I think I've got the space, but not necessarily the appropriately arranged furniture nor a large enough friend group to manifest one. Suggestions?