"and I just end up feeling guilty"

Not a birthday post.

Minor and major disappointments rock me, and though the end result is that nothing changes, I feel like I've lost my footing entirely.

Mech came out to visit (and I probably need to find a new nickname for him, since he's all graduated and stuff) and left tonight and flies to Australia (in stages) on the 20th, to come back eventually. Farthest I've ever been away from him (duh) and I've applied for my passport, and I know he'll be fine, but it's still a little arrrgh inducing.

Light is not getting the job that would move us to Pittsburgh. So, for the moment, we stay here, and since that statement causes me to start weeping, I'll have to figure out what I can change here, and take the baby steps that my current situation allows, rather than start with the blank canvas with which moving would provide me. And it's not that I only want the thing I cannot have, be it staying or going (unless of course it is) but I think I'd drawn a picture in my head of Light having a job he enjoys and a move giving me the impetus I don't seem to be capable of providing myself to go in a different direction than the one which I currently inhabit, and even if the details terrified me, the bigger picture seemed pretty awesome.

And this at least causes the other small disappointments of the week to pale in comparison. I found an online place to order my current glasses frames, and placed an order only to have it canceled because they are out of stock. Cleaning the basement I found the pretty light switch plate, only to discover that our switches are too sunken to accommodate it. I'm trying to be as calm as possible about it, but the current lack of a kitchen floor makes me sick to my stomach every time I see it. (we have a thing upon which to stand, it's just not currently covered in any sort of flooring substance.)

Chile and I talked about attending our respective ten year reunions for college, and the idea both fascinates and sickens me. I'm curious, but there are so many people by whom I do not wish to be seen. I think I might go in hopes of laying some of my demons to rest, so I can stop mythologizing everything. I never wrote an announcement of my married state for the alumni magazine, because it always ended up sounding like it said "Fuck you, I'm happy now and I'm finally good enough to keep" even if I just said "I got married last year."

I feel like I should have tried to go to Arisia, tried to go to panels and see people I'm peripherally aware of/acquainted with. But we didn't. I think next year, if we're still in the area, I might want to go again, just to prove to myself that yes, though it seems like it might be fun, I really just don't like crowds, or people, and my social skills are roughly on par with the social skills of, say, my Tupperware.

I broke in Priscilla last night, and my reward (and wrong me not, I consider it to be an absolutely awesome reward) is a short movie of Mech burying his face in it.

"and I just end up feeling guilty"

Not a birthday post.

Minor and major disappointments rock me, and though the end result is that nothing changes, I feel like I've lost my footing entirely.

Mech came out to visit (and I probably need to find a new nickname for him, since he's all graduated and stuff) and left tonight and flies to Australia (in stages) on the 20th, to come back eventually. Farthest I've ever been away from him (duh) and I've applied for my passport, and I know he'll be fine, but it's still a little arrrgh inducing.

Light is not getting the job that would move us to Pittsburgh. So, for the moment, we stay here, and since that statement causes me to start weeping, I'll have to figure out what I can change here, and take the baby steps that my current situation allows, rather than start with the blank canvas with which moving would provide me. And it's not that I only want the thing I cannot have, be it staying or going (unless of course it is) but I think I'd drawn a picture in my head of Light having a job he enjoys and a move giving me the impetus I don't seem to be capable of providing myself to go in a different direction than the one which I currently inhabit, and even if the details terrified me, the bigger picture seemed pretty awesome.

And this at least causes the other small disappointments of the week to pale in comparison. I found an online place to order my current glasses frames, and placed an order only to have it canceled because they are out of stock. Cleaning the basement I found the pretty light switch plate, only to discover that our switches are too sunken to accommodate it. I'm trying to be as calm as possible about it, but the current lack of a kitchen floor makes me sick to my stomach every time I see it. (we have a thing upon which to stand, it's just not currently covered in any sort of flooring substance.)

Chile and I talked about attending our respective ten year reunions for college, and the idea both fascinates and sickens me. I'm curious, but there are so many people by whom I do not wish to be seen. I think I might go in hopes of laying some of my demons to rest, so I can stop mythologizing everything. I never wrote an announcement of my married state for the alumni magazine, because it always ended up sounding like it said "Fuck you, I'm happy now and I'm finally good enough to keep" even if I just said "I got married last year."

I feel like I should have tried to go to Arisia, tried to go to panels and see people I'm peripherally aware of/acquainted with. But we didn't. I think next year, if we're still in the area, I might want to go again, just to prove to myself that yes, though it seems like it might be fun, I really just don't like crowds, or people, and my social skills are roughly on par with the social skills of, say, my Tupperware.

I broke in Priscilla last night, and my reward (and wrong me not, I consider it to be an absolutely awesome reward) is a short movie of Mech burying his face in it.

birthday post

Re-meeting your husband-to-be right around your birthday makes the day both loaded and auspicious.

I have gotten good loot, and a mushy card. Birthday brownies were made. The house is cleaned. I got birthday wishes by lj and by gmail, and Media did the usual flood of e-cards. Guitar Hero was played.

Light borrowed the book I carry around in my purse in which I write down books that catch my fancy, wrote down a handful, combined them with some books from an NPR Best Of segment, and now I am chockful of reading material. My mother provided me with a bunch of Burts Bees products, a box of Penzeys spices, and a gift certificate to a local salon. (I think she's challenged by my motherinlaw).

All the bumps in the road aside, my first married birthday is a pretty awesome milestone to be passing. I have hopes for a gazillion more. Now, we watch Rome and I read cookbooks. Or play more Bookworm.

birthday post

Re-meeting your husband-to-be right around your birthday makes the day both loaded and auspicious.

I have gotten good loot, and a mushy card. Birthday brownies were made. The house is cleaned. I got birthday wishes by lj and by gmail, and Media did the usual flood of e-cards. Guitar Hero was played.

Light borrowed the book I carry around in my purse in which I write down books that catch my fancy, wrote down a handful, combined them with some books from an NPR Best Of segment, and now I am chockful of reading material. My mother provided me with a bunch of Burts Bees products, a box of Penzeys spices, and a gift certificate to a local salon. (I think she's challenged by my motherinlaw).

All the bumps in the road aside, my first married birthday is a pretty awesome milestone to be passing. I have hopes for a gazillion more. Now, we watch Rome and I read cookbooks. Or play more Bookworm.