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work and wedding whining
Aug. 31st, 2006 09:35 pmthe fourth day in a series of long, broken days, and my long, mostly planless weekend can't come soon enough. And of course, it's actually full of plans, but they're slow plans, like working on wedding things, and the grocery store and the library and the farmer's market and the hottubs and hopefully sitting about in the park reading and visiting the pygmy goats again.
I'm avoiding my dress. I put it on to show Kumquat last night, and it was a bare margin by which I avoided tears. It's a lovely dress, and I'm sure I'll figure out some nice way to wear a shawl, but once again, I am so very tired of thinking about my body and all the various ways it disappoints me, some that I've tried to change and some that I've given up on, convincing myself it's more graceful to acknowledge a fixed body type then spend a life railing against it (which isn't to say I don't exercise and watch what I eat, I just don't expect either of those activities to change the way I look) And, the thing is, I love my dress. I'll probably try one more last foray into the world of alternate things to get married in, but will probably return to my dress. I also need to figure out what color shawl to wear, and what to dress Light in and all these things continue to daunt me. and I just have to accept I won't like the pictures and move on, but it's hardhard.
I don't really worry, I think, most of the time, about my failure as a girl. I've got a bunch of gendered traits down pat, probably more of my own gender than the opposite one, but there are vast wildernesses of befuddlement and anxiety, which include things like pack behavior and dressing up. And maybe it's that I'm not so much a failure as a girl, but a blinding success as an awkward, poorly socialized person. (poorly socialized in the sense of having failed to acquire certain skills/knowledge sets while maturing, while I'm not yet a fixed product, and I'm certainly still awkward, I've made my own prickly peace with my current socialization) and I don't really think of it as failure (except of course, when i do).
but now, a book list in another entry, and then my bed.
I'm avoiding my dress. I put it on to show Kumquat last night, and it was a bare margin by which I avoided tears. It's a lovely dress, and I'm sure I'll figure out some nice way to wear a shawl, but once again, I am so very tired of thinking about my body and all the various ways it disappoints me, some that I've tried to change and some that I've given up on, convincing myself it's more graceful to acknowledge a fixed body type then spend a life railing against it (which isn't to say I don't exercise and watch what I eat, I just don't expect either of those activities to change the way I look) And, the thing is, I love my dress. I'll probably try one more last foray into the world of alternate things to get married in, but will probably return to my dress. I also need to figure out what color shawl to wear, and what to dress Light in and all these things continue to daunt me. and I just have to accept I won't like the pictures and move on, but it's hardhard.
I don't really worry, I think, most of the time, about my failure as a girl. I've got a bunch of gendered traits down pat, probably more of my own gender than the opposite one, but there are vast wildernesses of befuddlement and anxiety, which include things like pack behavior and dressing up. And maybe it's that I'm not so much a failure as a girl, but a blinding success as an awkward, poorly socialized person. (poorly socialized in the sense of having failed to acquire certain skills/knowledge sets while maturing, while I'm not yet a fixed product, and I'm certainly still awkward, I've made my own prickly peace with my current socialization) and I don't really think of it as failure (except of course, when i do).
but now, a book list in another entry, and then my bed.
