(no subject)

I keep writing this entry, and then not posting it, and it gets more and more out of date, and i revise it a little, and then don't post it.

Calmer today, but achy and exhausted. (this is true of both Monday and today). Still a little mad at myself for not managing to suck it up faster and get things accomplished on Sunday, and still incapable of verbalizing exactly what it is I'm sucking up. I think it's got something to do with disappointing people, but it's a less-than-straightforward something. (I'm bad at self-comforting, I'm bad at receiving comfort gracefully or at all, and this just sort of reinforces my view of myself as someone who should attempt to avoid fender-benders of the psyche, because my reaction is all out of proportion to the incident. Though maybe that's just more of the bad at self-comforting, I can never acknowledge that it's valid to be hurt by anything)

It doesn't change my plans at all, I'm still pleased with the fashion in which we intend to get married, but it does convince me that spending money on a good photographer might actually be worth it, and I hope that will soothe all the feathers possible. My mother's emailed me, newsy and a little bit crazy, and remains entirely unaware that she has offended me on any level, but Light and I have crafted a response if anyone asks us about registries (I have no idea why an amazon wish list makes me less uncomfortable than an amazon registry proper, but for the moment I'll run with it) and I'll probably continue to let myself calm before I email her back.

It'll be a busy, errand-and-appointment filled week, with a hopefully lazy weekend spent visiting B and Chile on the other end of the state at the end of it, and seeing wax molds of our lovely jewelry, and settling on inscriptions, and bringing Tulip and Algonquin's tiara to be photographed. I got my Ava Luxe order, and The Beach is odd, but Crème Brulee, Milk and Moroccan Mint Tea are awesome.

Women poured out of the woodwork to help me with my dress choices, and I'm still uncertain, as to weather and tattoos and fit and things to wear over it, but maybe the rest of August will bring me either clarity or the apathy that overthinking sometimes brings, but either way, I'm grateful for all the opinions, and all of you should come back and let me feed you as the weather continues to cool and my kitchen becomes a more appealing place to be.

I had a lovely dinner at Mulino's on Sunday night, to wish Tulip a happy birthday, and I've baked her a cake tonight, a nut torte with a orange butter frosting. I'm always a little pleased with myself when I feel that I've successfully interacted with strangers, (success meaning I've felt non-offensive and relatively interesting at the close of the evening) and it's probably a little backwards to still consider that an accomplishment.

I got a lovely energystar catalog, and am seriously considering replacing the current floorlamps with something a little more graceful, or at least energy efficient. I got a book in the mail from a lovely woman, and the used copy of Dreampark I ordered for Light. The treadmill arrived, and we managed to get it into the basement via the bulkhead. the dentist told me i probably wouldn't need gum surgery.

i think i'm good. i'm not entirely certain, 'cause i still feel a little numbed from the weekend. but i'm grateful for all the sympathetic comments, and especially for the cuddling last night from Unexpected.

And you should all look at Light's post. 'cause, well, bear.

(no subject)

I keep writing this entry, and then not posting it, and it gets more and more out of date, and i revise it a little, and then don't post it.

Calmer today, but achy and exhausted. (this is true of both Monday and today). Still a little mad at myself for not managing to suck it up faster and get things accomplished on Sunday, and still incapable of verbalizing exactly what it is I'm sucking up. I think it's got something to do with disappointing people, but it's a less-than-straightforward something. (I'm bad at self-comforting, I'm bad at receiving comfort gracefully or at all, and this just sort of reinforces my view of myself as someone who should attempt to avoid fender-benders of the psyche, because my reaction is all out of proportion to the incident. Though maybe that's just more of the bad at self-comforting, I can never acknowledge that it's valid to be hurt by anything)

It doesn't change my plans at all, I'm still pleased with the fashion in which we intend to get married, but it does convince me that spending money on a good photographer might actually be worth it, and I hope that will soothe all the feathers possible. My mother's emailed me, newsy and a little bit crazy, and remains entirely unaware that she has offended me on any level, but Light and I have crafted a response if anyone asks us about registries (I have no idea why an amazon wish list makes me less uncomfortable than an amazon registry proper, but for the moment I'll run with it) and I'll probably continue to let myself calm before I email her back.

It'll be a busy, errand-and-appointment filled week, with a hopefully lazy weekend spent visiting B and Chile on the other end of the state at the end of it, and seeing wax molds of our lovely jewelry, and settling on inscriptions, and bringing Tulip and Algonquin's tiara to be photographed. I got my Ava Luxe order, and The Beach is odd, but Crème Brulee, Milk and Moroccan Mint Tea are awesome.

Women poured out of the woodwork to help me with my dress choices, and I'm still uncertain, as to weather and tattoos and fit and things to wear over it, but maybe the rest of August will bring me either clarity or the apathy that overthinking sometimes brings, but either way, I'm grateful for all the opinions, and all of you should come back and let me feed you as the weather continues to cool and my kitchen becomes a more appealing place to be.

I had a lovely dinner at Mulino's on Sunday night, to wish Tulip a happy birthday, and I've baked her a cake tonight, a nut torte with a orange butter frosting. I'm always a little pleased with myself when I feel that I've successfully interacted with strangers, (success meaning I've felt non-offensive and relatively interesting at the close of the evening) and it's probably a little backwards to still consider that an accomplishment.

I got a lovely energystar catalog, and am seriously considering replacing the current floorlamps with something a little more graceful, or at least energy efficient. I got a book in the mail from a lovely woman, and the used copy of Dreampark I ordered for Light. The treadmill arrived, and we managed to get it into the basement via the bulkhead. the dentist told me i probably wouldn't need gum surgery.

i think i'm good. i'm not entirely certain, 'cause i still feel a little numbed from the weekend. but i'm grateful for all the sympathetic comments, and especially for the cuddling last night from Unexpected.

And you should all look at Light's post. 'cause, well, bear.