"you think i can't fly? well, you just watch me"

Tonight's master plan is go to the post office, acquire many stamps, mail many packages (two birthday presents, a return, and favor), return home, do laundry, master some more Guitar Hero. Light returns, we venture to Bueno, so he can form his very own opinion about it rather than having to rely on mine, Faces for even more birthday cards, then grocery shopping for the upcoming invasion. I've determined I'm making myself two birthday cakes (probably), the ginger one this weekend and then the chocolate honey most likely the day of, but that will be dependent on when our dinner reservations are. (I'm demanding thai, and I'm going to order appetizers, which is the height of decadence in my head).

In years past, I think I've wanted more of an occasion, and at first the messy things which happened with Egypt colored a couple birthdays, and then the conflation of my birthday and Arisia, and then the conflation of re-meeting Light, Arisia and my birthday have all sort of made the days surrounding my birthday somewhat loaded. And by all rights, this should be the most loaded one and yet I don't think I want all that much (I'm leaving room for the possibility that I really do want that much, and will find myself somewhat kicked in the teeth the day of) outside of Light and a nice dinner and the knowledge that my thirties are going to be a lot kinder to me than any previous decade has been. (and turning thirty gives me this weirdly triumphant feeling, like I've thumbed my nose at a world that should have seen me dead or crazy, and I find myself wanting something to say "take that" to, and maybe even actually thumb my nose at) The anniversary bit has been sort of separated out (for the curious in the audience, we rolled for a new anniversary this year and it'll be in the end of march) and the social part has mostly taken care of itself, due to too many different factors to sum up neatly in a sentence or a live journal entry. I'm tempted to revisit old poetry, in moments of what I can only imagine is vestigial angst, and on some level want an audience to see how much and how little I've changed, and I ended a poem once with the lines "having learned the answer to / take me as is or not at all."

I'm being given the opportunity to write meatier emails these days, an opportunity for which I am deeply grateful, both by for its existence and its timing. And it's certainly affected how much and what I write here. And I've given myself another, secret journal, where I say bitchy and unfunny things about what I'm cooking and what I'm eating, and there's something of a relief in uncrafted prose. And I know in
both mediums, I'm still writing for myself, but having internalized my audience and given it a hypercritical agenda it doesn't actually possess, it's nice to put that aside, even if I can only do in three or four sentence chunks.

I'd like to set myself some far ranging, accomplishable goals for the next decade, but I'm not sure what they'd be. I certainly envy people with master's degrees (or more) or people who get to learn things, but I'm not sure it would make me happy to do so, and I don't want to force myself into it. I keep hoping that my desire will someday outweigh my fear and reluctance, but so far the desire is vague and the fear and reluctance are strong, and maybe it's time to make peace with that instead of continuing to poke at it with pointy sticks. It would be a sacrifice, and in my estimation of my world, probably not one worth what I would have to sacrifice for it. (which isn't to say it isn't a valuable and valid decision for many other people, but I find myself constantly making excuses to myself for not going back to school, and I'm quite sick of it, but can't seem to be rid of it.) Which also isn't to say that I don't want to keep learning. In fact, I'd like to be learning as much as possible, as often as possible, I just can't figure a good non-school way to go about doing that, yet other than reading as much as possible, and hanging out with people who know things. I don't think I challenge myself a lot on any other level than the emotional, but I think I'm doing a pretty spectacular job of growing as a person and as a partner and I don't really give myself many pats on the back for that, because I have no idea where to draw the line between self confidence and complacency, so I err by deciding all positive feelings about self lead to complacency. Fun,eh?

So here it is. Resolutions for the next decade, obviously not to be carved in stone. But I think that maybe I'd like to make sure I move at least once in my thirties, get another tattoo, see a desert, leave the country, expand my horizons and my library. I'd like to be calmer and more sure of myself. I'd like to make sure that the important people know they're important to me, and I'd like to spend less time thinking about the people with whom I have parted ways or the people I never managed to find a way to be friends with. Most importantly (duh) I'd like to continue the practice of falling a little bit more in love with Light every couple days.

And I resolve to buy a least one set of curtains while in my thirties. And a kitchen aid mixer, even if I never use it. And maybe a puppy. But definitely curtains.

"you think i can't fly? well, you just watch me"

Tonight's master plan is go to the post office, acquire many stamps, mail many packages (two birthday presents, a return, and favor), return home, do laundry, master some more Guitar Hero. Light returns, we venture to Bueno, so he can form his very own opinion about it rather than having to rely on mine, Faces for even more birthday cards, then grocery shopping for the upcoming invasion. I've determined I'm making myself two birthday cakes (probably), the ginger one this weekend and then the chocolate honey most likely the day of, but that will be dependent on when our dinner reservations are. (I'm demanding thai, and I'm going to order appetizers, which is the height of decadence in my head).

In years past, I think I've wanted more of an occasion, and at first the messy things which happened with Egypt colored a couple birthdays, and then the conflation of my birthday and Arisia, and then the conflation of re-meeting Light, Arisia and my birthday have all sort of made the days surrounding my birthday somewhat loaded. And by all rights, this should be the most loaded one and yet I don't think I want all that much (I'm leaving room for the possibility that I really do want that much, and will find myself somewhat kicked in the teeth the day of) outside of Light and a nice dinner and the knowledge that my thirties are going to be a lot kinder to me than any previous decade has been. (and turning thirty gives me this weirdly triumphant feeling, like I've thumbed my nose at a world that should have seen me dead or crazy, and I find myself wanting something to say "take that" to, and maybe even actually thumb my nose at) The anniversary bit has been sort of separated out (for the curious in the audience, we rolled for a new anniversary this year and it'll be in the end of march) and the social part has mostly taken care of itself, due to too many different factors to sum up neatly in a sentence or a live journal entry. I'm tempted to revisit old poetry, in moments of what I can only imagine is vestigial angst, and on some level want an audience to see how much and how little I've changed, and I ended a poem once with the lines "having learned the answer to / take me as is or not at all."

I'm being given the opportunity to write meatier emails these days, an opportunity for which I am deeply grateful, both by for its existence and its timing. And it's certainly affected how much and what I write here. And I've given myself another, secret journal, where I say bitchy and unfunny things about what I'm cooking and what I'm eating, and there's something of a relief in uncrafted prose. And I know in
both mediums, I'm still writing for myself, but having internalized my audience and given it a hypercritical agenda it doesn't actually possess, it's nice to put that aside, even if I can only do in three or four sentence chunks.

I'd like to set myself some far ranging, accomplishable goals for the next decade, but I'm not sure what they'd be. I certainly envy people with master's degrees (or more) or people who get to learn things, but I'm not sure it would make me happy to do so, and I don't want to force myself into it. I keep hoping that my desire will someday outweigh my fear and reluctance, but so far the desire is vague and the fear and reluctance are strong, and maybe it's time to make peace with that instead of continuing to poke at it with pointy sticks. It would be a sacrifice, and in my estimation of my world, probably not one worth what I would have to sacrifice for it. (which isn't to say it isn't a valuable and valid decision for many other people, but I find myself constantly making excuses to myself for not going back to school, and I'm quite sick of it, but can't seem to be rid of it.) Which also isn't to say that I don't want to keep learning. In fact, I'd like to be learning as much as possible, as often as possible, I just can't figure a good non-school way to go about doing that, yet other than reading as much as possible, and hanging out with people who know things. I don't think I challenge myself a lot on any other level than the emotional, but I think I'm doing a pretty spectacular job of growing as a person and as a partner and I don't really give myself many pats on the back for that, because I have no idea where to draw the line between self confidence and complacency, so I err by deciding all positive feelings about self lead to complacency. Fun,eh?

So here it is. Resolutions for the next decade, obviously not to be carved in stone. But I think that maybe I'd like to make sure I move at least once in my thirties, get another tattoo, see a desert, leave the country, expand my horizons and my library. I'd like to be calmer and more sure of myself. I'd like to make sure that the important people know they're important to me, and I'd like to spend less time thinking about the people with whom I have parted ways or the people I never managed to find a way to be friends with. Most importantly (duh) I'd like to continue the practice of falling a little bit more in love with Light every couple days.

And I resolve to buy a least one set of curtains while in my thirties. And a kitchen aid mixer, even if I never use it. And maybe a puppy. But definitely curtains.