"maybe i can be who i am"

gah.
i hate this wanting for words.
i have these things to say, but i don't know how to say them carefully enough that they don't sound like selfpity to my ear. and i still can't handle the idea that i might sound like i'm sorry for myself, or like i'm trying to get some sort of reassurance out of someone. i lie in every bed i've made, dammit, even the ones i didn't know i was making.

i wonder if i borrow trouble by trying to look into the future. not in any sort of prophetic way, just wondering how long i'll be content with what i have, because part of me says forever because my relationship and my domicile and my cats rock, and there will always been new books to read and new recipes to try and part of me says that there are things that i'm not content with right now, about my self and my social life. i wonder if discontent is catching, like the flu, and i'm not allowed to ever get flu shots because i'm allergic to feathers. my goals are still simple, be done with dental surgery, some day pay off my student loans, own lots of cats, make light as happy as possible (not in that order) and i look at other people who want to change their job, or their education, or write a novel, and i wonder if i need bigger dreams than repainting the bathroom. or if i just need dreams that make me unhappy that i haven't achieved them yet as some sort of spur to action for action's sake.

maybe this is about wanting things, or maybe it's just about lacking the skills for sustained happiness, which doesn't impact my ability to be happy (i think) only my comfort in that state.

i've got therapy tonight, and i'm wondering about bringing up the subject of not going anymore. 'cause, well, we go over the same ground and it doesn't feel useful.

a) i'm afraid of moving. i'll have to move some day. it may just be i'm afraid of change.
b) i wish i knew how to either be comfortable with the social life i have, or create a social life i'd be comfortable with. but the state of being comfortable may be unachievable.
c) i'm not satisfied with how i look, but i'm not dissatisfied enough to try and change it, because there might be a whole lot of badness behind that door.
d) there are parts of my past that sucked, and they inform how i act now, and that sucks, but change is slow.
e) sometimes, when i'm uncomfortable being comfortable, i have to talk myself out of messing things up.

gah. i make no sense.

tonight, i'm doing a hell of a lot of dishes, and then making us dinner and then we'll tackle the mystery boxes in the basement and see if a year of having gone without whatever is in said boxes has helped us to determine if they can be donated, trashed, or repackaged in a more compact way. or maybe one of us will finally tackle the how-to-sell-things-on-ebay question. and i'm excited about dinner, and i'm excited about the boxes, and i'm a little bit buzzed from a good potluck, and i want to try and contact a woman who may or may not be socially forbidden to me due to the intracies of valley-alliances and maybe i'll get the courage if she's got an email on her lj profile and maybe i won't, but it's always neat to know that there are more people out there i want to get to know. maybe i just need to give myself permission to continue to live day to day, and not think of that as indulgence or weakness.
--

"maybe i can be who i am"

gah.
i hate this wanting for words.
i have these things to say, but i don't know how to say them carefully enough that they don't sound like selfpity to my ear. and i still can't handle the idea that i might sound like i'm sorry for myself, or like i'm trying to get some sort of reassurance out of someone. i lie in every bed i've made, dammit, even the ones i didn't know i was making.

i wonder if i borrow trouble by trying to look into the future. not in any sort of prophetic way, just wondering how long i'll be content with what i have, because part of me says forever because my relationship and my domicile and my cats rock, and there will always been new books to read and new recipes to try and part of me says that there are things that i'm not content with right now, about my self and my social life. i wonder if discontent is catching, like the flu, and i'm not allowed to ever get flu shots because i'm allergic to feathers. my goals are still simple, be done with dental surgery, some day pay off my student loans, own lots of cats, make light as happy as possible (not in that order) and i look at other people who want to change their job, or their education, or write a novel, and i wonder if i need bigger dreams than repainting the bathroom. or if i just need dreams that make me unhappy that i haven't achieved them yet as some sort of spur to action for action's sake.

maybe this is about wanting things, or maybe it's just about lacking the skills for sustained happiness, which doesn't impact my ability to be happy (i think) only my comfort in that state.

i've got therapy tonight, and i'm wondering about bringing up the subject of not going anymore. 'cause, well, we go over the same ground and it doesn't feel useful.

a) i'm afraid of moving. i'll have to move some day. it may just be i'm afraid of change.
b) i wish i knew how to either be comfortable with the social life i have, or create a social life i'd be comfortable with. but the state of being comfortable may be unachievable.
c) i'm not satisfied with how i look, but i'm not dissatisfied enough to try and change it, because there might be a whole lot of badness behind that door.
d) there are parts of my past that sucked, and they inform how i act now, and that sucks, but change is slow.
e) sometimes, when i'm uncomfortable being comfortable, i have to talk myself out of messing things up.

gah. i make no sense.

tonight, i'm doing a hell of a lot of dishes, and then making us dinner and then we'll tackle the mystery boxes in the basement and see if a year of having gone without whatever is in said boxes has helped us to determine if they can be donated, trashed, or repackaged in a more compact way. or maybe one of us will finally tackle the how-to-sell-things-on-ebay question. and i'm excited about dinner, and i'm excited about the boxes, and i'm a little bit buzzed from a good potluck, and i want to try and contact a woman who may or may not be socially forbidden to me due to the intracies of valley-alliances and maybe i'll get the courage if she's got an email on her lj profile and maybe i won't, but it's always neat to know that there are more people out there i want to get to know. maybe i just need to give myself permission to continue to live day to day, and not think of that as indulgence or weakness.
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