"wondering where i should put my hands"

this weekend rocked. seriously. there was serenity (twice) and mirrormask, (all of which involved very good company) and toothbrushes made out of recycled yogurt containers, and sheets made out of magic and apple picking and fantastic pancakes and even more fantastic applesauce and pie. someone even told me i was being a good sport about something, or words to that effect, which made me feel awesome. i got a little bitchy friday night, but i don't think i got too shrill, (apparently while i've managed to but the agoraphobia on hold for live music, movie theaters still give me the sensation of being a little bit trapped.)

Light bought me(us) a playstation 2 and katamari damacy because i fell so much in love with it when we were visiting Junkyard. the first game's more frustrating than the second, but it's apparently hooked itself into some strange, addiction-prone part of my brain. and light's deeply, deeply amused to see me so eager about a video game. i've got yummy farm-share cider, and this week should include blackbean chili with pineapplemint salsa, curried apple soup, and then something appley and desserty for potluck on wednesday (and some sort of squash adventures in there somewhere).

i think i'm feeling selfish, though that doesn't seem to be quite the right word. i want attention, and things to be about me, and to understand why people don't email me back, and i feel full of all those behaviors that i actually dread manifesting, that rankle me when i see them in other people because i'm aware of my own propensities for them, so i'm tamping them down pretty tightly. but i still know that they're there, and annoys me to even feel them. (and this isn't about light, blessedly, he's learned the rhythms of coddling me better than i ever could have expected, better than i've learned them myself, and making me mac'n'cheese and telling me to forget the laundry last week was remarkably revitalizing.) i think it's this horrible wanting-to-feel-entitled part of myself that feels like the world should take my insecurities into account and be nice to me on account of them. which is foolish and childish in a spoiled brat sort of way, and i do try and stop myself, but some days it wears thinner than others, and i lose a little bit of track of what i'm saying and how i'm saying it.

i want to re-teach myself latin. but i'm not sure how to begin. puzzling through a bit of the footnotes of Light's friend's (whose nickname i've misplaced) Piers Plowman, i realized i've still got probably half to two thirds of my vocabulary (though it's hard to tell, since half of it probably lies in cognates, and you never really know which pieces are false until you look them up, but you never look up words you think you know until it becomes obvious you don't know them) but probably only a quarter to a third of my grammar.

i also want to figure out what i want to do next. and i want to find some skill inside myself that will generate some amount of money larger than what i do now generates. which is an odd feeling, because i've never really imagined bettering my situation, only tried to make myself grateful for the situations i have managed to find myself in. but partnering with someone who not only has occupied a position of relative privilege for most of his life, but someone who has accustomed me to some of the nicer parts of privilege (like vacations and organic food and books more often than i was used to), makes me want to be more comfortable, to pay off my student loans faster, acquire furniture faster, repair the damage dental surgery did to my savings account faster, feel less like a burden, or less like someone who slows light down, even if i know that there are other yardsticks than the financial to measure myself by, i tend to focus on the areas in which i fail rather than the areas in which i succeed.

but i can't imagine myself doing anything interesting or wellpaying, really. and i think i'd like to learn a skill (the idea of learning is still pretty exciting, even if the idea of going back to school still seems a little bit dreadful), i'd like to find something to be good at, but i don't know where to start looking. i think i'm less afraid of failure than i was, but less than huge can still be huge.

i think i'm happy, in a mellow, fall-appropriate way. hopefully this month will contain a trip to the aquarium and tampa's grave, some more good people, sending some packages and cards to still other good people, more books, baking, pretty leaves, more mulled cider, more housepainting. it'll be my two year anniversary of quitting smoking in a couple weeks (i'm pretty sure) my tivo's full of terribly bad television to watch as i read and/or doze, my cats are adorable, and the cold season brings a whole slew of recipes back that went to ground for the summer months (and i even get to make my very own thanksgiving with Light for the first time ever, which is thrilling past the ability of words to contain). i'm not satisfied with something, and i haven't ferreted out exactly what it is i'm not satisfied with, but it's certainly not my partner or my home or the overall bulk of my life, and maybe it's mostly a matter of learning to shift my focus.
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"wondering where i should put my hands"

this weekend rocked. seriously. there was serenity (twice) and mirrormask, (all of which involved very good company) and toothbrushes made out of recycled yogurt containers, and sheets made out of magic and apple picking and fantastic pancakes and even more fantastic applesauce and pie. someone even told me i was being a good sport about something, or words to that effect, which made me feel awesome. i got a little bitchy friday night, but i don't think i got too shrill, (apparently while i've managed to but the agoraphobia on hold for live music, movie theaters still give me the sensation of being a little bit trapped.)

Light bought me(us) a playstation 2 and katamari damacy because i fell so much in love with it when we were visiting Junkyard. the first game's more frustrating than the second, but it's apparently hooked itself into some strange, addiction-prone part of my brain. and light's deeply, deeply amused to see me so eager about a video game. i've got yummy farm-share cider, and this week should include blackbean chili with pineapplemint salsa, curried apple soup, and then something appley and desserty for potluck on wednesday (and some sort of squash adventures in there somewhere).

i think i'm feeling selfish, though that doesn't seem to be quite the right word. i want attention, and things to be about me, and to understand why people don't email me back, and i feel full of all those behaviors that i actually dread manifesting, that rankle me when i see them in other people because i'm aware of my own propensities for them, so i'm tamping them down pretty tightly. but i still know that they're there, and annoys me to even feel them. (and this isn't about light, blessedly, he's learned the rhythms of coddling me better than i ever could have expected, better than i've learned them myself, and making me mac'n'cheese and telling me to forget the laundry last week was remarkably revitalizing.) i think it's this horrible wanting-to-feel-entitled part of myself that feels like the world should take my insecurities into account and be nice to me on account of them. which is foolish and childish in a spoiled brat sort of way, and i do try and stop myself, but some days it wears thinner than others, and i lose a little bit of track of what i'm saying and how i'm saying it.

i want to re-teach myself latin. but i'm not sure how to begin. puzzling through a bit of the footnotes of Light's friend's (whose nickname i've misplaced) Piers Plowman, i realized i've still got probably half to two thirds of my vocabulary (though it's hard to tell, since half of it probably lies in cognates, and you never really know which pieces are false until you look them up, but you never look up words you think you know until it becomes obvious you don't know them) but probably only a quarter to a third of my grammar.

i also want to figure out what i want to do next. and i want to find some skill inside myself that will generate some amount of money larger than what i do now generates. which is an odd feeling, because i've never really imagined bettering my situation, only tried to make myself grateful for the situations i have managed to find myself in. but partnering with someone who not only has occupied a position of relative privilege for most of his life, but someone who has accustomed me to some of the nicer parts of privilege (like vacations and organic food and books more often than i was used to), makes me want to be more comfortable, to pay off my student loans faster, acquire furniture faster, repair the damage dental surgery did to my savings account faster, feel less like a burden, or less like someone who slows light down, even if i know that there are other yardsticks than the financial to measure myself by, i tend to focus on the areas in which i fail rather than the areas in which i succeed.

but i can't imagine myself doing anything interesting or wellpaying, really. and i think i'd like to learn a skill (the idea of learning is still pretty exciting, even if the idea of going back to school still seems a little bit dreadful), i'd like to find something to be good at, but i don't know where to start looking. i think i'm less afraid of failure than i was, but less than huge can still be huge.

i think i'm happy, in a mellow, fall-appropriate way. hopefully this month will contain a trip to the aquarium and tampa's grave, some more good people, sending some packages and cards to still other good people, more books, baking, pretty leaves, more mulled cider, more housepainting. it'll be my two year anniversary of quitting smoking in a couple weeks (i'm pretty sure) my tivo's full of terribly bad television to watch as i read and/or doze, my cats are adorable, and the cold season brings a whole slew of recipes back that went to ground for the summer months (and i even get to make my very own thanksgiving with Light for the first time ever, which is thrilling past the ability of words to contain). i'm not satisfied with something, and i haven't ferreted out exactly what it is i'm not satisfied with, but it's certainly not my partner or my home or the overall bulk of my life, and maybe it's mostly a matter of learning to shift my focus.
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