"Go ahead, push your luck"

so, audience-at-large, where should we move?

we're having a difficult time talking about it, but eventually managing to push our way through his reluctance to upset me and my inability to deal with change, we're probably going to move somewhere with a better job and less of a commute for him, next summer-ish. and i'm not quite past the tears and nausea, but i'll get past them.

in the past, when Red and I talked about moving, as we did on a fairly regular basis, i wasn't worried in the same way i am now. and in part it's the friends, and in part it's the job, but mostly it's because i think i was still crazy then, and so i didn't have anything to lose, 'cause even if moving made it worse, i wasn't really in a position to appreciate gradations of crazy. and my balance probably isn't as precarious as i think it is, but it's so hard to see any risk as worth it, even if it's not so much a risk as a necessary, reasoned change.

not much else goes on. i've been healing, and reading, and cooking, and making plans. there's been giddy excitement, but for reasons a little too fragile to go into right now. i said something in someone else's lj that i'd never admitted to anyone before, and it was a strangely liberating feeling. we canceled on ABG last night, and i curled on the couch and ended up having a difficult conversation with light, where i said something i probably shouldn't have said. and maybe it's not an entirely good sign when your partner says, as you're both falling asleep "i know how mean you can get, so that wasn't mean" or words to that effect. and maybe it's not an entirely good sign that i'm both chagrined and a little smug about that. we didn't get to see boisterous this week, either, after having run into him outside the movie theater, but we did get to have swimming and dinner and nekkid ladies on the tv with lilo and host, pre Twin Peaks. which was, as per usual, an absolutely fantastic time. and sunday before, they came over for a pepper/chickpea pasta dish, and brought brownies and icecream, and we played munchkin(?) and i won, almost entirely by accident. and host coveted Light's new gaming books, and we talked about the need for gaming in our lives.

i sent a card to the address of the parents of my sophomore year roommate from college, a woman i honestly regret losing touch with in a way that's entirely separate from all the drunkensuicidal angst of my last two years and all myself important feelings of exclusion and having done wrongs i can't remember. (which isn't to say my first two years of college were anything particularly shiny, but most of the demons i've got are associated with the settings of the last two years. it's funny, in a not entirely funny way, how i rank my behaviors.)

girlbiscuit says fantastic things to me about what i might be able to be if i teach myself to stop carrying around so much fear of failure, fear of backsliding. and i wonder what it would take to let go, but even the process of thinking about that seems like more attention then the past merits, thinking about why i'm afraid of backsliding all too tied up with the backsliding itself.

i want new dishtowels and new sheets and new showercurtains.
apparently, my upset is manifesting itself in a desire for linen-acquisition.

we're driving up to essex junction this weekend, to visit an ex of mine at culinary school, and i don't know if it'll turn out well, but i'm kind of excited about the trip-ness of it. while i have no fond memories of the winters there, i kind of like upstate vermont a lot.

i feel tongue-tied and clumsy in my emails, and in the comments i don't make in lj, like the awkwardness that renders me incapable of talking on the phone with any comfort is working its way into the rest of my communications.

but there's books to post about tonight, and bills to pay, and sweet and sour lentils after the vet, and lots of neat things to do in my future.
--

"Go ahead, push your luck"

so, audience-at-large, where should we move?

we're having a difficult time talking about it, but eventually managing to push our way through his reluctance to upset me and my inability to deal with change, we're probably going to move somewhere with a better job and less of a commute for him, next summer-ish. and i'm not quite past the tears and nausea, but i'll get past them.

in the past, when Red and I talked about moving, as we did on a fairly regular basis, i wasn't worried in the same way i am now. and in part it's the friends, and in part it's the job, but mostly it's because i think i was still crazy then, and so i didn't have anything to lose, 'cause even if moving made it worse, i wasn't really in a position to appreciate gradations of crazy. and my balance probably isn't as precarious as i think it is, but it's so hard to see any risk as worth it, even if it's not so much a risk as a necessary, reasoned change.

not much else goes on. i've been healing, and reading, and cooking, and making plans. there's been giddy excitement, but for reasons a little too fragile to go into right now. i said something in someone else's lj that i'd never admitted to anyone before, and it was a strangely liberating feeling. we canceled on ABG last night, and i curled on the couch and ended up having a difficult conversation with light, where i said something i probably shouldn't have said. and maybe it's not an entirely good sign when your partner says, as you're both falling asleep "i know how mean you can get, so that wasn't mean" or words to that effect. and maybe it's not an entirely good sign that i'm both chagrined and a little smug about that. we didn't get to see boisterous this week, either, after having run into him outside the movie theater, but we did get to have swimming and dinner and nekkid ladies on the tv with lilo and host, pre Twin Peaks. which was, as per usual, an absolutely fantastic time. and sunday before, they came over for a pepper/chickpea pasta dish, and brought brownies and icecream, and we played munchkin(?) and i won, almost entirely by accident. and host coveted Light's new gaming books, and we talked about the need for gaming in our lives.

i sent a card to the address of the parents of my sophomore year roommate from college, a woman i honestly regret losing touch with in a way that's entirely separate from all the drunkensuicidal angst of my last two years and all myself important feelings of exclusion and having done wrongs i can't remember. (which isn't to say my first two years of college were anything particularly shiny, but most of the demons i've got are associated with the settings of the last two years. it's funny, in a not entirely funny way, how i rank my behaviors.)

girlbiscuit says fantastic things to me about what i might be able to be if i teach myself to stop carrying around so much fear of failure, fear of backsliding. and i wonder what it would take to let go, but even the process of thinking about that seems like more attention then the past merits, thinking about why i'm afraid of backsliding all too tied up with the backsliding itself.

i want new dishtowels and new sheets and new showercurtains.
apparently, my upset is manifesting itself in a desire for linen-acquisition.

we're driving up to essex junction this weekend, to visit an ex of mine at culinary school, and i don't know if it'll turn out well, but i'm kind of excited about the trip-ness of it. while i have no fond memories of the winters there, i kind of like upstate vermont a lot.

i feel tongue-tied and clumsy in my emails, and in the comments i don't make in lj, like the awkwardness that renders me incapable of talking on the phone with any comfort is working its way into the rest of my communications.

but there's books to post about tonight, and bills to pay, and sweet and sour lentils after the vet, and lots of neat things to do in my future.
--