"cropped short and sized to fit"

yesterday, i told my parents about the mono and the dental surgery. my father's responses "well, that's okay, you make a fortune." i said "right, dad" and moved on, and then got blindingly angry after i hung up.

now, i want to call them back and yell at them, but i think i've missed my opportunity, as though they were incontinent puppies. i keep just rolling over for them, and i don't remember why anymore. when it happens, it's from reflex, but i don't have the rationalizations to back up the reflexes anymore. i used to tell myself it was about Mech and Media, but it always felt like i was waiting for them to love me. or waiting for them to give me money they've used to bait the hook in the past, theirs or Tampa's. but it's pretty obvious at this point neither of those things are forthcoming, and carrots only work when donkeys believe they'll someday reach them.

someone posted something a couple weeks ago about how he didn't comprehend how people aren't overwhelmingly grateful for the things that help them. i feel a little like that about people's families, i'm always afraid, particularly on holidays, that my resentment's bleeding through. and i know that these two people are responsible for a lot of my issues, and as much as Mech and Media would like me to put everything aside, and fall under some sort of "they gave birth to me" spell of complete forgiveness, i can't, but i also don't seem to be able to stop hoping that there will be some gesture of kindness, something that looks like affection or love. but it seems, over and over again, that unless i bend myself to their will, i'm not going to get it, and maybe not even then.

now, i'd just like to be a part of Light's family, my little brothers' sister, and leave it at that. i was planning on going out to visit them for some mother's day/birthday thing in a couple weeks, but i can't really see the point anymore. i don't know how to be done with them yet, but i can limit myself. i'm going to keep trying to remember the things that i've learned from them about my own lovableness and about whether or not people can be trusted aren't universal.

my mind shies away from exploring some of its less comfortable, more entrenched places, but i still know that one of my core beliefs is that no one will ever inconvenience themselves for me. and i forget, sometimes, that i didn't spontaneously arrive at this idea, sprung out of my head whole cloth, but that i learned it. i'm not sure i'll ever be able to stop believing as much, 'cause i'm not sure i'll be able to find my way to a place where i want to stop believing it, but I'd like to have the option of remembering it's not a Truth but instead just a lowercase belief.
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"cropped short and sized to fit"

yesterday, i told my parents about the mono and the dental surgery. my father's responses "well, that's okay, you make a fortune." i said "right, dad" and moved on, and then got blindingly angry after i hung up.

now, i want to call them back and yell at them, but i think i've missed my opportunity, as though they were incontinent puppies. i keep just rolling over for them, and i don't remember why anymore. when it happens, it's from reflex, but i don't have the rationalizations to back up the reflexes anymore. i used to tell myself it was about Mech and Media, but it always felt like i was waiting for them to love me. or waiting for them to give me money they've used to bait the hook in the past, theirs or Tampa's. but it's pretty obvious at this point neither of those things are forthcoming, and carrots only work when donkeys believe they'll someday reach them.

someone posted something a couple weeks ago about how he didn't comprehend how people aren't overwhelmingly grateful for the things that help them. i feel a little like that about people's families, i'm always afraid, particularly on holidays, that my resentment's bleeding through. and i know that these two people are responsible for a lot of my issues, and as much as Mech and Media would like me to put everything aside, and fall under some sort of "they gave birth to me" spell of complete forgiveness, i can't, but i also don't seem to be able to stop hoping that there will be some gesture of kindness, something that looks like affection or love. but it seems, over and over again, that unless i bend myself to their will, i'm not going to get it, and maybe not even then.

now, i'd just like to be a part of Light's family, my little brothers' sister, and leave it at that. i was planning on going out to visit them for some mother's day/birthday thing in a couple weeks, but i can't really see the point anymore. i don't know how to be done with them yet, but i can limit myself. i'm going to keep trying to remember the things that i've learned from them about my own lovableness and about whether or not people can be trusted aren't universal.

my mind shies away from exploring some of its less comfortable, more entrenched places, but i still know that one of my core beliefs is that no one will ever inconvenience themselves for me. and i forget, sometimes, that i didn't spontaneously arrive at this idea, sprung out of my head whole cloth, but that i learned it. i'm not sure i'll ever be able to stop believing as much, 'cause i'm not sure i'll be able to find my way to a place where i want to stop believing it, but I'd like to have the option of remembering it's not a Truth but instead just a lowercase belief.
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