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most of the time, i have no idea what i'm searching for, i'm only vaguely
aware of the search itself. i'm not even sure what gods i worship
anymore, since as i age, the fallibility of language becomes less charming
and more tawdry, what looks good on the dance floor, not so much under the
bathroom's fluorescents. still true, just with less allure. and its close
cousin, human contact, seems less likely as we all pair off, for good or
ill, or some value that falls on an entirely different scale. and everyone
talks about leaving, but i can see myself growing old here, eventually
finding another place to live, slightly larger to accommodate a couple more
cats, builtin bookshelves and an entertainment system that makes Light less
likely to feel the need to lick host's. and maybe i feel like i've escaped
the valley because i've escaped the part i was afraid i'd have forever,
moderate apartments, tiptoeing around roommates i knew i'd never please but
wanted to anyway, eating out of cans and trying to figure out the
least-desperate way to keep myself from feeling lonely, and i'm saving money
to spend on furniture, and i can actually see the end of one of my loans,
and i'm not scared all the time anymore.
i'm still scared most of the time, mind you, but i think i'm learning to put
more of it aside. i cannot make people want what they do not want, and i
cannot people go where they will not go. light doesn't make me less
selfsufficient, he just gives me room to grow without having to constantly
worry about the solidity of my foundation. and being with him is a lot
like figuring out what the phrase "got your back" actually means.
i poke and i prod at the edges of my social life, missing people in varying
degrees, unsure how to approach or unsure why my approaches are rebuffed or
ignored. and while the majority of my pursuits in this direct are entirely
honest, i really do want to have dinner with Tulip and ABG, i desperately
want to see Spark, and i want to see if the worldsful of things i think i
have to talk about with unexpected are really there, all i can do is lay my
lines out and respond to what stimuli i'm given, and learn to not take every
nonspecific cruel statement than anyone makes that i can see as some
personal hurt to be clutched close. i wonder where Light's long-ago
laments about a relationship that got too insular fall into my efforts.
not in the sense of me making said efforts, but in the push/pull desperation
i periodically feel when i perceive i'm being ignored.
it's like phone calls and emails and lj comments are little merit badges,
and if i collect enough, i'll be able to calm down about something, i'll be
real enough for whatever i'm measuring myself against. each positive thing
said here works wonders, because i still feel more real in a world made up
of nothing but words and the interplay of subject and object and audience
and connotation and denotation. sometimes i feel like i'm courting the
world here, trying to make sure that all these scattered people know that i
admire the hell out of the bravery it takes to put what they feel into
words. which sounds all corny and shit, but that's not it, but it's a
little like being really drunk and in love with the world, except without
the drunk part. it's like having perspective wrapped in marzipan, a
lifelesson to enjoy, instead of those lifelessons that taste of tar and sour
milk. and i'll be the first to mock myself for acknowledging i'm using
this little patchwork world as insta-therapy, but i know that i am.
tonight, i'm hoping to see some of my favorite people, and/or make
garlic-lime soup and/or watch gone in sixty seconds and/or pour through
cookbooks to find this weeks worth of food. it's time for some spring
cleaning, on as many metaphorical and literal levels as i can get access to.
i've been whinging about finding some sort of calm for weeks on end now,
it's time to get off my ass and find it. and i know not to make any
life-altering decisions while this exhausted (except one, and i think it had
already been made by someone else, i just gave them a space to act it out
in), i think i can probably gear up for a couple, even if they're just a
shelving unit for the basement and big check to the people who really own my
car. if i cannot find symbols whence to find action, maybe the action
will produce the symbol.
aware of the search itself. i'm not even sure what gods i worship
anymore, since as i age, the fallibility of language becomes less charming
and more tawdry, what looks good on the dance floor, not so much under the
bathroom's fluorescents. still true, just with less allure. and its close
cousin, human contact, seems less likely as we all pair off, for good or
ill, or some value that falls on an entirely different scale. and everyone
talks about leaving, but i can see myself growing old here, eventually
finding another place to live, slightly larger to accommodate a couple more
cats, builtin bookshelves and an entertainment system that makes Light less
likely to feel the need to lick host's. and maybe i feel like i've escaped
the valley because i've escaped the part i was afraid i'd have forever,
moderate apartments, tiptoeing around roommates i knew i'd never please but
wanted to anyway, eating out of cans and trying to figure out the
least-desperate way to keep myself from feeling lonely, and i'm saving money
to spend on furniture, and i can actually see the end of one of my loans,
and i'm not scared all the time anymore.
i'm still scared most of the time, mind you, but i think i'm learning to put
more of it aside. i cannot make people want what they do not want, and i
cannot people go where they will not go. light doesn't make me less
selfsufficient, he just gives me room to grow without having to constantly
worry about the solidity of my foundation. and being with him is a lot
like figuring out what the phrase "got your back" actually means.
i poke and i prod at the edges of my social life, missing people in varying
degrees, unsure how to approach or unsure why my approaches are rebuffed or
ignored. and while the majority of my pursuits in this direct are entirely
honest, i really do want to have dinner with Tulip and ABG, i desperately
want to see Spark, and i want to see if the worldsful of things i think i
have to talk about with unexpected are really there, all i can do is lay my
lines out and respond to what stimuli i'm given, and learn to not take every
nonspecific cruel statement than anyone makes that i can see as some
personal hurt to be clutched close. i wonder where Light's long-ago
laments about a relationship that got too insular fall into my efforts.
not in the sense of me making said efforts, but in the push/pull desperation
i periodically feel when i perceive i'm being ignored.
it's like phone calls and emails and lj comments are little merit badges,
and if i collect enough, i'll be able to calm down about something, i'll be
real enough for whatever i'm measuring myself against. each positive thing
said here works wonders, because i still feel more real in a world made up
of nothing but words and the interplay of subject and object and audience
and connotation and denotation. sometimes i feel like i'm courting the
world here, trying to make sure that all these scattered people know that i
admire the hell out of the bravery it takes to put what they feel into
words. which sounds all corny and shit, but that's not it, but it's a
little like being really drunk and in love with the world, except without
the drunk part. it's like having perspective wrapped in marzipan, a
lifelesson to enjoy, instead of those lifelessons that taste of tar and sour
milk. and i'll be the first to mock myself for acknowledging i'm using
this little patchwork world as insta-therapy, but i know that i am.
tonight, i'm hoping to see some of my favorite people, and/or make
garlic-lime soup and/or watch gone in sixty seconds and/or pour through
cookbooks to find this weeks worth of food. it's time for some spring
cleaning, on as many metaphorical and literal levels as i can get access to.
i've been whinging about finding some sort of calm for weeks on end now,
it's time to get off my ass and find it. and i know not to make any
life-altering decisions while this exhausted (except one, and i think it had
already been made by someone else, i just gave them a space to act it out
in), i think i can probably gear up for a couple, even if they're just a
shelving unit for the basement and big check to the people who really own my
car. if i cannot find symbols whence to find action, maybe the action
will produce the symbol.
