"had enough of waving brave goodbyes"

Currently, the people i want to talk about will be called Lilo and Host. I'm hoping different nicknames evolve, though both of these work, since she is both adorable and gives the impression she is capable of nearly unlimited mischief, and he is a fantastic host, in more than just the feeding one food on plates sense. But they were the exact and perfect antidote for my mood on Wednesday. They fed us macaroni pizza, and we brought salad, and drank mulled wine and watched lilo and stitch, and talked about many topics, including the merits of batter-dipped versus grilled babies and Fagles' various translations. (dammit, i want a classical usename for her, but i've always been too much a fan of the murderesses to think of a good one) the movie made me cry, but didn't nauseate me, as light had been afraid it would.

i respect (and my heartstrings are tugged by) families of choice in a way that families of origin don't and can't. Yes, i acknowledge that part of my family of choice comes from my family of origin, but i think that's by the fantastic luck i have to be related to them, and not by genetic ties. and i don't think family of choice is just who you partner with, though it includes that, but to some extent, everyone you'd have around the thanksgiving table if you could. and sometimes, i try and explain it to light, who doesn't seem to quite get it, that eventually, we all have to stop being our parents' children and start being someone defined by something else, even if it's as simple as our cats. and i'm probably less sympathetic than i should be, because i don't know how i would have broken free if not through trauma, and i didn't really get to a very good place in the breaking free until the christmas before the most recent one, when they proved my value had nothing to do with me as a person.

i don't know how to describe the way lilo and host make me feel. welcome seems ineffectual, and coming home seems trite. but it's an incredibly nice space and i feel incredibly lucky to have finally actually crossed paths, though i think lilo and i have been weaving in and out of each other's for a while. and i'll stop gushing for the moment, but they truly
do rock.

last night was an uncomfortable conversation with history that made me cry, that i'd been trying to figure out if there was a way not to have, and had realized i couldn't not have it if i loved him, so that was something of a "duh!" sort of realization. i don't want to be passive-aggressive or bitchy, or any of those silly things that women do when their male friends are threatened, or when they are about to lose themselves into a relationship. i certainly regret how unexpected and i ended up, because though i think they shouldn't have been dating in the manner that they did, distance lends clarity. and i wonder if people forget how much of a fatalist i am, deep down inside, how much i expect to be left, particularly when i refuse to sugarcoat myself.

but the night also included leftover pulan and a west wing episode, and wonder of wonders, b&b browsing with sanguine, browsing purple roofs for an appropriate place to maybe meet in october, which is far enough away that it's the exciting sort of scary. and i'm pretty sure i slept like a rock, bad dreams not really waking me or even disturbing my sleep, just trailing after me when i woke.

and today i drive my car down the hill to Rick's, so they can remove the dipstick of my car, since jiffy lube broke the handle off. and yes, i've heard the chorus of I-told-you-so's already. and then Mech, and then Motion come to visit, and then a full week that ends with some sort of celebration of my natal day. (1/17, for those of you in the home audience keeping track).

"had enough of waving brave goodbyes"

Currently, the people i want to talk about will be called Lilo and Host. I'm hoping different nicknames evolve, though both of these work, since she is both adorable and gives the impression she is capable of nearly unlimited mischief, and he is a fantastic host, in more than just the feeding one food on plates sense. But they were the exact and perfect antidote for my mood on Wednesday. They fed us macaroni pizza, and we brought salad, and drank mulled wine and watched lilo and stitch, and talked about many topics, including the merits of batter-dipped versus grilled babies and Fagles' various translations. (dammit, i want a classical usename for her, but i've always been too much a fan of the murderesses to think of a good one) the movie made me cry, but didn't nauseate me, as light had been afraid it would.

i respect (and my heartstrings are tugged by) families of choice in a way that families of origin don't and can't. Yes, i acknowledge that part of my family of choice comes from my family of origin, but i think that's by the fantastic luck i have to be related to them, and not by genetic ties. and i don't think family of choice is just who you partner with, though it includes that, but to some extent, everyone you'd have around the thanksgiving table if you could. and sometimes, i try and explain it to light, who doesn't seem to quite get it, that eventually, we all have to stop being our parents' children and start being someone defined by something else, even if it's as simple as our cats. and i'm probably less sympathetic than i should be, because i don't know how i would have broken free if not through trauma, and i didn't really get to a very good place in the breaking free until the christmas before the most recent one, when they proved my value had nothing to do with me as a person.

i don't know how to describe the way lilo and host make me feel. welcome seems ineffectual, and coming home seems trite. but it's an incredibly nice space and i feel incredibly lucky to have finally actually crossed paths, though i think lilo and i have been weaving in and out of each other's for a while. and i'll stop gushing for the moment, but they truly
do rock.

last night was an uncomfortable conversation with history that made me cry, that i'd been trying to figure out if there was a way not to have, and had realized i couldn't not have it if i loved him, so that was something of a "duh!" sort of realization. i don't want to be passive-aggressive or bitchy, or any of those silly things that women do when their male friends are threatened, or when they are about to lose themselves into a relationship. i certainly regret how unexpected and i ended up, because though i think they shouldn't have been dating in the manner that they did, distance lends clarity. and i wonder if people forget how much of a fatalist i am, deep down inside, how much i expect to be left, particularly when i refuse to sugarcoat myself.

but the night also included leftover pulan and a west wing episode, and wonder of wonders, b&b browsing with sanguine, browsing purple roofs for an appropriate place to maybe meet in october, which is far enough away that it's the exciting sort of scary. and i'm pretty sure i slept like a rock, bad dreams not really waking me or even disturbing my sleep, just trailing after me when i woke.

and today i drive my car down the hill to Rick's, so they can remove the dipstick of my car, since jiffy lube broke the handle off. and yes, i've heard the chorus of I-told-you-so's already. and then Mech, and then Motion come to visit, and then a full week that ends with some sort of celebration of my natal day. (1/17, for those of you in the home audience keeping track).