"you scare me more than the grey skies"

long, complicated weekend. mostly very, very good with a lot of food-for-thought. some of it very painful, also with food for thought.

i've got a lot to learn about myself, and i'm familiar with that fact. my therapist, though a brilliant and terribly supportive woman, doesn't have the ability to kick my ass that Magistra has. and there are a couple things she made me own up to, some good, some bad.

i've been batting around the idea of fairness for a while now. not because i expect it, but because i'm tired of the sixyearold little girl inside my head who starts stomping her feet every time the world throws something extra at me, or every time i have to behave like the levelheaded, selfaware one and no one else does. it doesn't feel like me, this railing against something i can't change. i'm no saint, but i thought i'd learned to accept and move on, at least in my personal life. (i readily admit there's not much accepting and moving on when someone hurts someone i love)

There's a theory that part of one's emotional development stops at the point one begins an addictive behavior/begins selfmedicating. so, part of me's stuck at the twelve-to-fourteen level, where i'm still coming to terms with the fact that there isn't really all that much parity in the world, and i'm digging my heels in. Things should be equal, in or outside of a relationship. A financial example is easiest. Light makes more than I do and has less personal debt. Ergo, there is no way in the world that i can contribute equally to house expenses, unless i decree that he live in a ghetto apartment, instead of the charming condo we've got now, and eat only out of cans. or, in another way, it shouldn't matter what how his family treats me. Their inability to be gracious does not necessarily mean that i am excused from good manners. no matter how many internal tempertantrums I throw, the world is as it is, and this new desire for fairness, equality or parity is pretty much just handicapping me.

this goes deep, though, into one of those places that makes me feel ugly. I've made a lot of changes where i am. and while i've come to decent terms with the older, uglier compromises, the fresher ones remain tender to the touch. I've figured out how to bury some of my desires as not feasible, and i've decided not to try and spell them out, because they sound silly and whiny and petty. But i still expect to be rewarded for them, in some tangible specific way. If i can deal with X, he should do Y. I've stopped owning my choices.

in the end, i haven't stopped worrying about having no legal right to Unit 24 because in turn I expect him to start remembering things, in two ways. I obviously haven't stopped worrying about it, because it's still an internal issue, and i still balk at pouring my money or my sweat into it. And even were I to stop, it wouldn't/shouldn't/can't be because i expect something else out of Light. I would stop because I chose to stop, because it was worth stopping, because it couldn't be changed.

I will make my choices and I will stand by them.

There's more, other murky issues that probably don't make any more sense than the above meandering, but i've got a lot of thinking to do, and some choices to make about which parts of what i want i'm okay with not getting. i can't fight every single battle, i'll lose them all. but maybe, if i can put some things down, i'll have energy to pick others up. and i'm not trying to be especially cryptic, i'm just a little lost. if he won't or can't change, i must. i just need to learn how. and i need to stop expecting quite so much credit for what i do. the world doesn't owe me anything, and everyone else is probably doing just as much, just in different ways.

"you scare me more than the grey skies"

long, complicated weekend. mostly very, very good with a lot of food-for-thought. some of it very painful, also with food for thought.

i've got a lot to learn about myself, and i'm familiar with that fact. my therapist, though a brilliant and terribly supportive woman, doesn't have the ability to kick my ass that Magistra has. and there are a couple things she made me own up to, some good, some bad.

i've been batting around the idea of fairness for a while now. not because i expect it, but because i'm tired of the sixyearold little girl inside my head who starts stomping her feet every time the world throws something extra at me, or every time i have to behave like the levelheaded, selfaware one and no one else does. it doesn't feel like me, this railing against something i can't change. i'm no saint, but i thought i'd learned to accept and move on, at least in my personal life. (i readily admit there's not much accepting and moving on when someone hurts someone i love)

There's a theory that part of one's emotional development stops at the point one begins an addictive behavior/begins selfmedicating. so, part of me's stuck at the twelve-to-fourteen level, where i'm still coming to terms with the fact that there isn't really all that much parity in the world, and i'm digging my heels in. Things should be equal, in or outside of a relationship. A financial example is easiest. Light makes more than I do and has less personal debt. Ergo, there is no way in the world that i can contribute equally to house expenses, unless i decree that he live in a ghetto apartment, instead of the charming condo we've got now, and eat only out of cans. or, in another way, it shouldn't matter what how his family treats me. Their inability to be gracious does not necessarily mean that i am excused from good manners. no matter how many internal tempertantrums I throw, the world is as it is, and this new desire for fairness, equality or parity is pretty much just handicapping me.

this goes deep, though, into one of those places that makes me feel ugly. I've made a lot of changes where i am. and while i've come to decent terms with the older, uglier compromises, the fresher ones remain tender to the touch. I've figured out how to bury some of my desires as not feasible, and i've decided not to try and spell them out, because they sound silly and whiny and petty. But i still expect to be rewarded for them, in some tangible specific way. If i can deal with X, he should do Y. I've stopped owning my choices.

in the end, i haven't stopped worrying about having no legal right to Unit 24 because in turn I expect him to start remembering things, in two ways. I obviously haven't stopped worrying about it, because it's still an internal issue, and i still balk at pouring my money or my sweat into it. And even were I to stop, it wouldn't/shouldn't/can't be because i expect something else out of Light. I would stop because I chose to stop, because it was worth stopping, because it couldn't be changed.

I will make my choices and I will stand by them.

There's more, other murky issues that probably don't make any more sense than the above meandering, but i've got a lot of thinking to do, and some choices to make about which parts of what i want i'm okay with not getting. i can't fight every single battle, i'll lose them all. but maybe, if i can put some things down, i'll have energy to pick others up. and i'm not trying to be especially cryptic, i'm just a little lost. if he won't or can't change, i must. i just need to learn how. and i need to stop expecting quite so much credit for what i do. the world doesn't owe me anything, and everyone else is probably doing just as much, just in different ways.