"but solace took the fall"

t minus eleven days.

i'd expect more excitement at this point. not tears, and hating that Mech's so far away and always will be now, and feeling bad about wanting a surprise, and not wanting to be alone tonight. and maybe i don't want to be alone ever anymore, and i know that's probably bad, and that i Need To Learn how to be okay when he doesn't come home until after i go to bed, but i haven't figured out how yet.

i don't like crying at work. i don't like the saltsplatters on my glasses. i don't like looking at things on websites that i want and shouldn't buy, because i think i liked it better when i didn't want anything, but apparently this whole life thing is full of all or none, and if i let myself want one thing, i won't be able to turn it off selectively.

i want to be swept away to Home Depot and have my hands stuffed with paint samples. i want my moods stabilized, i want to have ice cream, i want to stop being reassured that someday i won't want to spend all my time with him, because i don't really want that day yet and every promise of it sounds something like a threat that this Won't Last.

i want to be able to focus (and post about) on how much fun last night was (my complete lack of ability to interact with social or his friend notwithstanding) and how adorable kris delmhorst is, and the concept watermelonwednesdays and dirt backroads in west whately and new cds, and "can i have some more mandolin in the monitors" and the pride i had in finding out this was happening and sharing it with other people. (light thanked me for finding it out, which made me feel wonderful)

i want to not make myself feel so ungrateful and whiny every time i'm sad.

i want to stop crying.

"but solace took the fall"

t minus eleven days.

i'd expect more excitement at this point. not tears, and hating that Mech's so far away and always will be now, and feeling bad about wanting a surprise, and not wanting to be alone tonight. and maybe i don't want to be alone ever anymore, and i know that's probably bad, and that i Need To Learn how to be okay when he doesn't come home until after i go to bed, but i haven't figured out how yet.

i don't like crying at work. i don't like the saltsplatters on my glasses. i don't like looking at things on websites that i want and shouldn't buy, because i think i liked it better when i didn't want anything, but apparently this whole life thing is full of all or none, and if i let myself want one thing, i won't be able to turn it off selectively.

i want to be swept away to Home Depot and have my hands stuffed with paint samples. i want my moods stabilized, i want to have ice cream, i want to stop being reassured that someday i won't want to spend all my time with him, because i don't really want that day yet and every promise of it sounds something like a threat that this Won't Last.

i want to be able to focus (and post about) on how much fun last night was (my complete lack of ability to interact with social or his friend notwithstanding) and how adorable kris delmhorst is, and the concept watermelonwednesdays and dirt backroads in west whately and new cds, and "can i have some more mandolin in the monitors" and the pride i had in finding out this was happening and sharing it with other people. (light thanked me for finding it out, which made me feel wonderful)

i want to not make myself feel so ungrateful and whiny every time i'm sad.

i want to stop crying.