(no subject)

fuzzy head.

home from work, since i couldn't really see out of one side of my face when i woke up.

overloaded yesterday, i think. i'm not exactly sure from what, but there seem to be a lot of options floating around.

exhibit a, the house thing. i'm moving into a house with a boy. yes, i plan on spending the rest of my life with him, but there's a difference between the plan and the sort of trapped-rat reflex of giving up my apartment and my nominal mobility. not to be confused with doubt about the rightness of what i'm doing, just...the inside of my head gets messy.

i'm changing, speed of light, staying home, cooking, cleaning, literally always wanting to be around a specific person. not in the i can't function when he's gone sense, just... i like who i am around him. i like being calm. it's just sometimes dissonant.

i got to spend a whole afternoon all by myself with history last weekend, which, as per usual, is pretty much the equivalent of drinking from some magical fountain of everything-is-okay-ness.

but, i don't want my little brother to leave. i don't want to not know who i am. i don't want all these wonderful people to be too far away to touch. i don't want to have a job i loathe, but i can't seem to actively want to leave, since the benefits are spectacular and my security's always more important to me than my happiness.

everything's jumbled again, and i don't know how to sort it out.

(no subject)

fuzzy head.

home from work, since i couldn't really see out of one side of my face when i woke up.

overloaded yesterday, i think. i'm not exactly sure from what, but there seem to be a lot of options floating around.

exhibit a, the house thing. i'm moving into a house with a boy. yes, i plan on spending the rest of my life with him, but there's a difference between the plan and the sort of trapped-rat reflex of giving up my apartment and my nominal mobility. not to be confused with doubt about the rightness of what i'm doing, just...the inside of my head gets messy.

i'm changing, speed of light, staying home, cooking, cleaning, literally always wanting to be around a specific person. not in the i can't function when he's gone sense, just... i like who i am around him. i like being calm. it's just sometimes dissonant.

i got to spend a whole afternoon all by myself with history last weekend, which, as per usual, is pretty much the equivalent of drinking from some magical fountain of everything-is-okay-ness.

but, i don't want my little brother to leave. i don't want to not know who i am. i don't want all these wonderful people to be too far away to touch. i don't want to have a job i loathe, but i can't seem to actively want to leave, since the benefits are spectacular and my security's always more important to me than my happiness.

everything's jumbled again, and i don't know how to sort it out.