"we've all been pushed too far"

it's a fantastic life. and i say that without an iota of sarcasm.

beltane was amazing, i love watching light's connection with the ocean. it's very different than mine, but just as deep. and the maypole was fun, and i'm always charmed when people notice that i'm freaking out, because i'm so used to having it either not noticed, or not considered noteworthy. Mean Girls was hysterical if too happily ever after and just thinking "danny devito, i love your work" cracks me up still.

i pretty much end up more in love with light every day. which i guess is supercorny to say, but it's not like it gets bigger, more that it gets more detailed. like carving, or sculpting. (probably telling that i choose arts so violent to their mediums, when it is seems not so much violent as inevitable, the deepening of glacial potholes, or the transformation of rock to sand)

lyric and panache send amazing emails, and i had a good time bordering on the absurd last night at haymarket with someone i don't know well enough to give a real usename, so i'll cheat and call him cbb, since the only other usenames i can currently think of are either someone else's for me (aware) or sound unkind out of context (trapped). (if you read this and take offense, i'll be happy to explain). but it seemed he understood everything i said, and actually thought about the questions i asked, and even if the topics weren't necessarily the most cheerful, there's something exhilarating about the interplay of minds similar enough to talk and different enough to challenge. and there's always the nearly carnivorous glee of "you know things i don't, teach me" and he's wicked good at it.

i'll see history tonight, and celebrate the anniversary of his being-in-the-world-ness and how cool that is.

light moves in soonsoon.

i'm loving the book i'm reading, though it's terribly far from my normal choice of reading material.

all in all, i'm very happy. mostly, though, right now i'm just very sleepy.

"we've all been pushed too far"

it's a fantastic life. and i say that without an iota of sarcasm.

beltane was amazing, i love watching light's connection with the ocean. it's very different than mine, but just as deep. and the maypole was fun, and i'm always charmed when people notice that i'm freaking out, because i'm so used to having it either not noticed, or not considered noteworthy. Mean Girls was hysterical if too happily ever after and just thinking "danny devito, i love your work" cracks me up still.

i pretty much end up more in love with light every day. which i guess is supercorny to say, but it's not like it gets bigger, more that it gets more detailed. like carving, or sculpting. (probably telling that i choose arts so violent to their mediums, when it is seems not so much violent as inevitable, the deepening of glacial potholes, or the transformation of rock to sand)

lyric and panache send amazing emails, and i had a good time bordering on the absurd last night at haymarket with someone i don't know well enough to give a real usename, so i'll cheat and call him cbb, since the only other usenames i can currently think of are either someone else's for me (aware) or sound unkind out of context (trapped). (if you read this and take offense, i'll be happy to explain). but it seemed he understood everything i said, and actually thought about the questions i asked, and even if the topics weren't necessarily the most cheerful, there's something exhilarating about the interplay of minds similar enough to talk and different enough to challenge. and there's always the nearly carnivorous glee of "you know things i don't, teach me" and he's wicked good at it.

i'll see history tonight, and celebrate the anniversary of his being-in-the-world-ness and how cool that is.

light moves in soonsoon.

i'm loving the book i'm reading, though it's terribly far from my normal choice of reading material.

all in all, i'm very happy. mostly, though, right now i'm just very sleepy.

(no subject)

not quite such a good mood anymore. moody and stressed about stupid things, and bleeding as though i was getting graded on duration and difficult of my cycle.

being in love, having someone be part of you renders certain aspects of one's life out of one's control. not just the fluctuations of mood depending on the mood of the other person, but more concrete things, like how a weekend will be spent.

i want to be excited about hte prospect of the process of his househunting. i don't know how to get him to let me. hell, i still don't know to deal with the strange feelings living somewhere solely based on someone else's sufferance, even if that someone else is my lover and the man i'm planning on spending the rest of my life with.

and i wonder if i'll ever explain some of my neuroses to him, or to anyone. there hasn't been much in my life that's mine, and in part that was because i was taught that the idea of mine wasn't all that true, things could always be taken away, nothing was ever really certain enough to settle, relaxing into the idea of ownership or semipermanence just meant it would hurt more when it was taken away.

once i figured out that i actually was a person in my own right, i, in part, became fiercely territorial. an exroommate broke me of that by driving me out of my apartment, but in her absence, it's returned with even more ferocity. and i'll have four more months here, where i belong, and then some new adventure shows up on the horizon.

and i'm not talking about the difference between "mine" and "ours", i'm not quite that simple, ours includes mine, even if it's more difficult to negotiate. and maybe this is my last hurdle, or maybe this is something else that gets washed away, but it's fucking scary.

and i know part of it's lingering traces of a time when i didn't know if i'd afford the next meal or the next car repair, but it's hard to remember that just because i'm moving on from here, this apartment, this phase of my life, a life bounded by this income, doesn't invalidate it.

(no subject)

not quite such a good mood anymore. moody and stressed about stupid things, and bleeding as though i was getting graded on duration and difficult of my cycle.

being in love, having someone be part of you renders certain aspects of one's life out of one's control. not just the fluctuations of mood depending on the mood of the other person, but more concrete things, like how a weekend will be spent.

i want to be excited about hte prospect of the process of his househunting. i don't know how to get him to let me. hell, i still don't know to deal with the strange feelings living somewhere solely based on someone else's sufferance, even if that someone else is my lover and the man i'm planning on spending the rest of my life with.

and i wonder if i'll ever explain some of my neuroses to him, or to anyone. there hasn't been much in my life that's mine, and in part that was because i was taught that the idea of mine wasn't all that true, things could always be taken away, nothing was ever really certain enough to settle, relaxing into the idea of ownership or semipermanence just meant it would hurt more when it was taken away.

once i figured out that i actually was a person in my own right, i, in part, became fiercely territorial. an exroommate broke me of that by driving me out of my apartment, but in her absence, it's returned with even more ferocity. and i'll have four more months here, where i belong, and then some new adventure shows up on the horizon.

and i'm not talking about the difference between "mine" and "ours", i'm not quite that simple, ours includes mine, even if it's more difficult to negotiate. and maybe this is my last hurdle, or maybe this is something else that gets washed away, but it's fucking scary.

and i know part of it's lingering traces of a time when i didn't know if i'd afford the next meal or the next car repair, but it's hard to remember that just because i'm moving on from here, this apartment, this phase of my life, a life bounded by this income, doesn't invalidate it.