"i do it for the joy it brings"

so, you all rock, in many different ways.

okay, maybe not everyone reading this journal. some of you may rock in only one way, or not at all. but the part of readership that participates in the ebb and flow of my moods, those of you responsible for the considerably better mood, you rock.

i feel like a puppy, wanting praise all out of proportion to the thing accomplished. and all but wagging my tail when someone like Vintage or Cherished (and all the relevant people in this medium, though you focus don't see the chairwiggle of abashed joy) give it to me. i've always known that i'll do just about anything for praise, that i think maybe it's counterweighting what i actually think about myself most of the time. more on that later. this morning's all prosaic, thinking about my teeth, how dirty the bathroom is, the need to schedule a haircut, my bankbalance. stuff.

"i do it for the joy it brings"

so, you all rock, in many different ways.

okay, maybe not everyone reading this journal. some of you may rock in only one way, or not at all. but the part of readership that participates in the ebb and flow of my moods, those of you responsible for the considerably better mood, you rock.

i feel like a puppy, wanting praise all out of proportion to the thing accomplished. and all but wagging my tail when someone like Vintage or Cherished (and all the relevant people in this medium, though you focus don't see the chairwiggle of abashed joy) give it to me. i've always known that i'll do just about anything for praise, that i think maybe it's counterweighting what i actually think about myself most of the time. more on that later. this morning's all prosaic, thinking about my teeth, how dirty the bathroom is, the need to schedule a haircut, my bankbalance. stuff.

(no subject)

what's that smell?

that's my mood crashing, exploding and taking out power for a good chunk of the pioneer valley.

and the only person to be mad at is myself.

grrr.

one of the most important things to me since i moved here has been living within my means. and when my means were a couple dollars, i went without just about everything but food for my cat and ramen for myself. there's never been a safety net, i don't have credit cards, and i think in the past six years, my parents have given me $100 and a couple bags of groceries.

i've scraped and saved and done damn well for myself. i've never gotten into any situation i couldn't eventually work myself out of, i take care of myself when i'm sick, and i usually manage to find solutions to things that don't involve anyone else. my wisdom teeth were a notable exception, and i'm still uncomfortable about how i ended up dealing with them. i did what needed to be done.

maybe it's just my lack of selfesteem rearing back up. i've had to learn to prioritize not wasting money over everything else, and maybe i think money given to me, for whatever reason, or things with monetary value, is wasted.

i'm ever so very terrified that i'm not going to be able to make this hurdle, that i've taxed my flexibility and my force of will to their respective limits. and i know it's not true. i will do what has to be done, and i am not going to let a couple decades of not-goodness stand between me and light. and as much as i just want to whine about every next thing being hard, it's not going to do me any good. hopefully getting this out will, though.

(no subject)

what's that smell?

that's my mood crashing, exploding and taking out power for a good chunk of the pioneer valley.

and the only person to be mad at is myself.

grrr.

one of the most important things to me since i moved here has been living within my means. and when my means were a couple dollars, i went without just about everything but food for my cat and ramen for myself. there's never been a safety net, i don't have credit cards, and i think in the past six years, my parents have given me $100 and a couple bags of groceries.

i've scraped and saved and done damn well for myself. i've never gotten into any situation i couldn't eventually work myself out of, i take care of myself when i'm sick, and i usually manage to find solutions to things that don't involve anyone else. my wisdom teeth were a notable exception, and i'm still uncomfortable about how i ended up dealing with them. i did what needed to be done.

maybe it's just my lack of selfesteem rearing back up. i've had to learn to prioritize not wasting money over everything else, and maybe i think money given to me, for whatever reason, or things with monetary value, is wasted.

i'm ever so very terrified that i'm not going to be able to make this hurdle, that i've taxed my flexibility and my force of will to their respective limits. and i know it's not true. i will do what has to be done, and i am not going to let a couple decades of not-goodness stand between me and light. and as much as i just want to whine about every next thing being hard, it's not going to do me any good. hopefully getting this out will, though.