"think that i'm happy, think that i'm blessed"

i'm quite tired of my job. i know it pays me better than i can probably expect to find again, even if it's a crap amount for what i do. i know i've got health benefits, and vacation, and at least once a week it makes me think. i have enough money for the things i need, and it's not exactly the Man, though it's close. (for those of you who both care and are not in the know, i am technically the Electronic Claims Billing Administator for a not-for-profit hospital). i've got this giant void in front of me, where i know the important parts (i'll be with light) but i don't know any of the details anymore, and i could probably slide into another hospital, crunching either the same kind of numbers or entirely different numbers, and it's not like it's a little soul death every day, it's just boring.

soon I'll see light every day, which seems so amazing an idea as to be hard to wrap my mind around. i'm a little concerned about logistics, but someday maybe Wary will actually be home while i'm conscious, and we'll talk then. my EFO cd has me bouncing in my seat and waving my hands around to the amusement of my coworkers. i've made a resolution to myself to stop picking off emotional scabs, and am hoping it works.

i sound like i'm seven when i write like this, letting things pour out of my fingers, not bothering with the connecting thoughts because they're so intuitive as to be crystal to me, but incomprehensible when i put them to words. i wonder if i'm supposed to worry about the future, worry about what ifs, but it doesn't seem like it makes any sense to do so. i'm full to bursting with the good, why go borrow the bad? Everytime i look in the mirror, i seem to be a little greyer than i used to be, but i'm also catching myself smiling with a lot more regularity than i ever would have believed myself capable of. and it's pretty much entirely Light's fault.

i'm adding people to my friends' list with abandoned, fascinated by how and why people are charting their journeys. a gm from college, a friend of a friend of a friend, similiar interests or something. i don't expect to find or be found gifts equivalent to treasure, or sunshine, but there's something pleasing about congruencies with strangers, and what text can and cannot do, and how we strive to work our way around its limitations.

and tonight, i think i'll bake something, if i still have the energy post work.

"think that i'm happy, think that i'm blessed"

i'm quite tired of my job. i know it pays me better than i can probably expect to find again, even if it's a crap amount for what i do. i know i've got health benefits, and vacation, and at least once a week it makes me think. i have enough money for the things i need, and it's not exactly the Man, though it's close. (for those of you who both care and are not in the know, i am technically the Electronic Claims Billing Administator for a not-for-profit hospital). i've got this giant void in front of me, where i know the important parts (i'll be with light) but i don't know any of the details anymore, and i could probably slide into another hospital, crunching either the same kind of numbers or entirely different numbers, and it's not like it's a little soul death every day, it's just boring.

soon I'll see light every day, which seems so amazing an idea as to be hard to wrap my mind around. i'm a little concerned about logistics, but someday maybe Wary will actually be home while i'm conscious, and we'll talk then. my EFO cd has me bouncing in my seat and waving my hands around to the amusement of my coworkers. i've made a resolution to myself to stop picking off emotional scabs, and am hoping it works.

i sound like i'm seven when i write like this, letting things pour out of my fingers, not bothering with the connecting thoughts because they're so intuitive as to be crystal to me, but incomprehensible when i put them to words. i wonder if i'm supposed to worry about the future, worry about what ifs, but it doesn't seem like it makes any sense to do so. i'm full to bursting with the good, why go borrow the bad? Everytime i look in the mirror, i seem to be a little greyer than i used to be, but i'm also catching myself smiling with a lot more regularity than i ever would have believed myself capable of. and it's pretty much entirely Light's fault.

i'm adding people to my friends' list with abandoned, fascinated by how and why people are charting their journeys. a gm from college, a friend of a friend of a friend, similiar interests or something. i don't expect to find or be found gifts equivalent to treasure, or sunshine, but there's something pleasing about congruencies with strangers, and what text can and cannot do, and how we strive to work our way around its limitations.

and tonight, i think i'll bake something, if i still have the energy post work.