"this is the point that spells defeat"

so, i think the worst thing about getting sick for me is that i get scared. i don't know what's wrong, i can't brave my boss to take time off to go to the doctor, and i feel so helpless. even without the new glasses, i'm still headachy and nauseous and i can't tell what's going wrong. i've got my period, which is a relief, but i'm scared of getting the IUD tomorrow.

i'm finding it odd to admit fear. i've been bottling it up for so long, i'm not sure how one talks about irrational fears. (i realize this journal bears evidence to the contrary, but i'm talking more about the first twentysomething years versus this past year). I'm afraid this is another big thing, (like finding out what looked like a canker sore was actually something requiring lots of oral surgery). i'm afraid it's not just a lingering head cold. i'm afraid Light's going to get tired of a perpetually sickly girlfriend, always whining about one thing or another and always having to be taken care of. (mind you, Light has given me no reason to believe this, i'm just, well, paranoid) I'm afraid i'm going to get written up for being sick too often. i'm afraid i'm going to be feeling like this for a long time. i'm afraid of things going wrong with my vision. i'm afraid that the constant sort of grinding down of being physically ill will begin to effect the emotional, and i'll get seriously depressed again.

but i was superproductive yesterday, and i'm going to brag.

I changed both cat litters
I took out the trash.
I got the mail.
I paid the rent.
i deposited roomie's check.
I ran a load through the dishwasher.
I did my laundry.
I dropped off the movies.
I grocery-shopped.
I bought new lightbulbs and underwear.
i changed the lightbulbs in the upstairs hall.

about halfway through the night, i started seeing funny green spots. not solid spots, but like there was a little piece of light gel floating around in front of my eyes. it was a pretty green, but unsettling. most importantly, i got to talk to junkyard for a good long time, which felt great. it's amazing how quickly someone can become a touchstone.

Excedrin's taken care of the headache and Slimfast of the nausea, at least temporarily, but i'm not sure that anything but certainty over how the next six months are going to play and the ability to swallow painlessly are going to take care of this mood.

"this is the point that spells defeat"

so, i think the worst thing about getting sick for me is that i get scared. i don't know what's wrong, i can't brave my boss to take time off to go to the doctor, and i feel so helpless. even without the new glasses, i'm still headachy and nauseous and i can't tell what's going wrong. i've got my period, which is a relief, but i'm scared of getting the IUD tomorrow.

i'm finding it odd to admit fear. i've been bottling it up for so long, i'm not sure how one talks about irrational fears. (i realize this journal bears evidence to the contrary, but i'm talking more about the first twentysomething years versus this past year). I'm afraid this is another big thing, (like finding out what looked like a canker sore was actually something requiring lots of oral surgery). i'm afraid it's not just a lingering head cold. i'm afraid Light's going to get tired of a perpetually sickly girlfriend, always whining about one thing or another and always having to be taken care of. (mind you, Light has given me no reason to believe this, i'm just, well, paranoid) I'm afraid i'm going to get written up for being sick too often. i'm afraid i'm going to be feeling like this for a long time. i'm afraid of things going wrong with my vision. i'm afraid that the constant sort of grinding down of being physically ill will begin to effect the emotional, and i'll get seriously depressed again.

but i was superproductive yesterday, and i'm going to brag.

I changed both cat litters
I took out the trash.
I got the mail.
I paid the rent.
i deposited roomie's check.
I ran a load through the dishwasher.
I did my laundry.
I dropped off the movies.
I grocery-shopped.
I bought new lightbulbs and underwear.
i changed the lightbulbs in the upstairs hall.

about halfway through the night, i started seeing funny green spots. not solid spots, but like there was a little piece of light gel floating around in front of my eyes. it was a pretty green, but unsettling. most importantly, i got to talk to junkyard for a good long time, which felt great. it's amazing how quickly someone can become a touchstone.

Excedrin's taken care of the headache and Slimfast of the nausea, at least temporarily, but i'm not sure that anything but certainty over how the next six months are going to play and the ability to swallow painlessly are going to take care of this mood.