"here for now"

got to talk to Pacific for a while last night, and junkyard, and history and feline. all on my computer, curled happily in bed with my cats and a book and erin mckeown playing. and maybe this is yet another warning sign that i've been ignoring, but it seems i want a lot of time to myself. i miss light, and i hate it when he leaves, but after he's left and it turns from trauma into fact, i kinda really like being beholden to no one.

and it's probably just reactionary, long delayed. With exroommate, I spent so much time trying not to be at my house, running as hard and as fast as i can. and i used to try and burn myself out at work, having nothing left over when i went home. now, neither is true. and yes, i'm more sedentary than i like because going out still seems to either mean spending money, or finding new things to covet. but i'm hoping that all my post vacation resolutions will help with that.

i like making myself sausage for dinner, i like being able to read or fuck around on the computer as long as i want. i like not having to put on any faces. and it's not that i don't trust or like my friends, but much like the thought i'll be leaving the pioneer valley has made everything look a little prettier, the idea of getting to live with the man i want to spend the rest of my life with has made being alone in my apartment a little sweeter, because it ends. and i'm not putting it to words correctly, because i'm sure there will be days with light that are identical to the days i have now, where the only things i do between work and sleep is chat online, read, and make myself something to eat.

it's nice to not be running anymore. i don't think i'm hiding anything from myself, or hiding myself from anything. and i think i knew what arms against myself i was putting down when i quit smoking (four months yesterday), but i'm not sure i expected it to work so well.

it's funny to be able to see so many different ways of looking at what i'm doing right now, and to have to select a voice by fiat, by instinct, rather than just pick the worst possible option and believe that. maybe i'm falling apart, maybe this some horrific codependence, maybe i'm turning into someone spineless, like i did with Ex, just in a more intellectualized way. Or maybe this is what love is. Or maybe this is how _i_ love, which is probably different than how most people love.

light tells me my relationship with history is strange. not strange bad or strange he has issues with it, but lucky-strange. and he says it's the element of honest we are with each other, but i think maybe that i'm this honest with everyone, it's just that history is the only one to really enjoy it.

badgering light to find out what token he wanted for valentines day, he eventually says something that reminds him of me. and while i can easily ferret out what reminds me of other people, i'm not sure if i can figure out this side of the equation. i've a couple guesses, but nothing solid.

"here for now"

got to talk to Pacific for a while last night, and junkyard, and history and feline. all on my computer, curled happily in bed with my cats and a book and erin mckeown playing. and maybe this is yet another warning sign that i've been ignoring, but it seems i want a lot of time to myself. i miss light, and i hate it when he leaves, but after he's left and it turns from trauma into fact, i kinda really like being beholden to no one.

and it's probably just reactionary, long delayed. With exroommate, I spent so much time trying not to be at my house, running as hard and as fast as i can. and i used to try and burn myself out at work, having nothing left over when i went home. now, neither is true. and yes, i'm more sedentary than i like because going out still seems to either mean spending money, or finding new things to covet. but i'm hoping that all my post vacation resolutions will help with that.

i like making myself sausage for dinner, i like being able to read or fuck around on the computer as long as i want. i like not having to put on any faces. and it's not that i don't trust or like my friends, but much like the thought i'll be leaving the pioneer valley has made everything look a little prettier, the idea of getting to live with the man i want to spend the rest of my life with has made being alone in my apartment a little sweeter, because it ends. and i'm not putting it to words correctly, because i'm sure there will be days with light that are identical to the days i have now, where the only things i do between work and sleep is chat online, read, and make myself something to eat.

it's nice to not be running anymore. i don't think i'm hiding anything from myself, or hiding myself from anything. and i think i knew what arms against myself i was putting down when i quit smoking (four months yesterday), but i'm not sure i expected it to work so well.

it's funny to be able to see so many different ways of looking at what i'm doing right now, and to have to select a voice by fiat, by instinct, rather than just pick the worst possible option and believe that. maybe i'm falling apart, maybe this some horrific codependence, maybe i'm turning into someone spineless, like i did with Ex, just in a more intellectualized way. Or maybe this is what love is. Or maybe this is how _i_ love, which is probably different than how most people love.

light tells me my relationship with history is strange. not strange bad or strange he has issues with it, but lucky-strange. and he says it's the element of honest we are with each other, but i think maybe that i'm this honest with everyone, it's just that history is the only one to really enjoy it.

badgering light to find out what token he wanted for valentines day, he eventually says something that reminds him of me. and while i can easily ferret out what reminds me of other people, i'm not sure if i can figure out this side of the equation. i've a couple guesses, but nothing solid.