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"dry is good and wind is better"
Jan. 7th, 2004 12:33 pmi'm trying to remember exactly why and how we started talking about moving. i'm also going to try and figure out what i want, from the so fantastical so as to be physically impossible to so mundane as to be virtually guaranteed as long as we stay in the continental US.
i think we needed something concrete, to plan for or to look for. There's so much time between now and when this lease runs out, and it's something we both want Right Now. and it's a big decision, even if it feels like the only possible course of action. and i'm guessing filing has something do to with it. i do my damndest not to break promises, sadly even to myself, and as such, wasn't going to entertain ideas of what happens next until the legal ties between light and STBF were severed. I jumped the gun a little, (okay four months plus kind of 'a little') but i believed until he took action, he wasn't ready for whatever came next, so now that last little bit i was struggling so valiantly to hold in reserve (against all natural inclination) has nothing to stop it.
(sidenote: i love the phrase jumping the gun. as i understand, it comes from sporting events, where sprinters or swimmers or such anticipate the starting shot so much that they start before they even hear it, half convinced they've already heard it)
i wonder if thinking about it makes it better or worse for him in terms of how quickly now will turn into then. to me, it makes things become more real, if we're talking about it in terms of where, it must be really happening, even if it seems too much like a fairytale to actually be something that's part of my life.
what i want. two bookstores, one big and chain-y, like Barnes and Noble with chairs and overpriced coffee and the ability to order just about anything and get it to me in three days, the other a used bookstore where unknowing college students, like the philistines they are, sell off textual prizes. a movie theater, ideally at least four screens and stadium seating (you have no idea how much difference stadium seating makes to a short person). Decent sushi, decent thai, decent indian, and very good icecream. ( in a perfect world, i'd like authentic mexican, good quality pizza, and at least one chinese restaurant that delivers. (i'm not so much a glutton as the above statements make me sound, i do eat simply often, i just like my indulgences)). i'd like to be able to see stars, and at least make out the major constellations when they're in the sky. i'd like an absence of hellaciously hot climates, anything that sees over a hundred more than a couple times a year would probably destroy me. i'd like the ability to see live music on a smaller venue, ideally of a folk persuasion, either on a college campus or off. a used cd store with snotty employees. i don't want my neighbor's snoring to ever keep me up again. i want windowsills large enough for my cats to lie on. i want to do laundry without having to put shoes on. i want enough room for all my bookcases. i want big windows insulated well enough that you don't have to stay away from said windows in the winter.
i can live without pretty much everything on the above list other than the climate and one of the bookstore options. and i know light wants me to do more than make do with wherever i end up, but my life takes place more and more inside my head or out from my fingertips these days.
i'm feeling both ignored and ignorable. which makes perfect sense, since i got a decent amount of attention both in my lj and in my real life immediately post-accident, that less would make me feel ignored. it's not necessarily reasonable, either, and i think it's mostly wanting Oxygen and History to check in on me, wanting people to respond to my lj comments when they don't. i don't actually expect responses to my posts all that often. but commenting in other people's journals seems so much more chatty. and i feel like i keep starting conversations that don't go anywhere.
and i get in these moods, i know i get in these moods. i've accustomed everyone to me being the one who seeks everyone out, me inviting myself places, me going places where other people are. and if i can't or don't, it's probably not going to be immediately noticeable. and maybe it's my fault, maybe something about how i am with light doesn't allow space for anyone else, even if i think it does.
i think we needed something concrete, to plan for or to look for. There's so much time between now and when this lease runs out, and it's something we both want Right Now. and it's a big decision, even if it feels like the only possible course of action. and i'm guessing filing has something do to with it. i do my damndest not to break promises, sadly even to myself, and as such, wasn't going to entertain ideas of what happens next until the legal ties between light and STBF were severed. I jumped the gun a little, (okay four months plus kind of 'a little') but i believed until he took action, he wasn't ready for whatever came next, so now that last little bit i was struggling so valiantly to hold in reserve (against all natural inclination) has nothing to stop it.
(sidenote: i love the phrase jumping the gun. as i understand, it comes from sporting events, where sprinters or swimmers or such anticipate the starting shot so much that they start before they even hear it, half convinced they've already heard it)
i wonder if thinking about it makes it better or worse for him in terms of how quickly now will turn into then. to me, it makes things become more real, if we're talking about it in terms of where, it must be really happening, even if it seems too much like a fairytale to actually be something that's part of my life.
what i want. two bookstores, one big and chain-y, like Barnes and Noble with chairs and overpriced coffee and the ability to order just about anything and get it to me in three days, the other a used bookstore where unknowing college students, like the philistines they are, sell off textual prizes. a movie theater, ideally at least four screens and stadium seating (you have no idea how much difference stadium seating makes to a short person). Decent sushi, decent thai, decent indian, and very good icecream. ( in a perfect world, i'd like authentic mexican, good quality pizza, and at least one chinese restaurant that delivers. (i'm not so much a glutton as the above statements make me sound, i do eat simply often, i just like my indulgences)). i'd like to be able to see stars, and at least make out the major constellations when they're in the sky. i'd like an absence of hellaciously hot climates, anything that sees over a hundred more than a couple times a year would probably destroy me. i'd like the ability to see live music on a smaller venue, ideally of a folk persuasion, either on a college campus or off. a used cd store with snotty employees. i don't want my neighbor's snoring to ever keep me up again. i want windowsills large enough for my cats to lie on. i want to do laundry without having to put shoes on. i want enough room for all my bookcases. i want big windows insulated well enough that you don't have to stay away from said windows in the winter.
i can live without pretty much everything on the above list other than the climate and one of the bookstore options. and i know light wants me to do more than make do with wherever i end up, but my life takes place more and more inside my head or out from my fingertips these days.
i'm feeling both ignored and ignorable. which makes perfect sense, since i got a decent amount of attention both in my lj and in my real life immediately post-accident, that less would make me feel ignored. it's not necessarily reasonable, either, and i think it's mostly wanting Oxygen and History to check in on me, wanting people to respond to my lj comments when they don't. i don't actually expect responses to my posts all that often. but commenting in other people's journals seems so much more chatty. and i feel like i keep starting conversations that don't go anywhere.
and i get in these moods, i know i get in these moods. i've accustomed everyone to me being the one who seeks everyone out, me inviting myself places, me going places where other people are. and if i can't or don't, it's probably not going to be immediately noticeable. and maybe it's my fault, maybe something about how i am with light doesn't allow space for anyone else, even if i think it does.
