omnia_mutantur (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
omnia_mutantur) wrote2006-03-28 04:31 pm
omnia_mutantur) wrote2006-03-28 04:31 pm
"Hey sweet Annie, don't take it so bad"
So, Light said (emailed) something to me today that has me running around on my oft-occupied internal hamster wheels. It was in response to feeling a little gross about not being the sort of friend that gets invited along to things, or maybe not being the sort of friend at all.
"That's totally understandable. Sadly, we always want to feel like we fit in, even when the in group is assholes. Especially when the in group is assholes."
I fight a lot with myself about wanting to be wanted, or included, or invited or just plain liked. And since so many of my responses are along sour-grapes lines, that I invalidate that response in myself. I can't possibly really be that I wouldn't like the friendships once I acquired them, it's that I have no chance of acquiring them, so I might as well believe that I didn't want them in the first place.
But, maybe sometimes the grapes really are sour.
I've been lucky enough to have someone (not Light) come into my life when i've been at pretty much the exactly right place to talk about it, which is fantastic. and i can tell her things i truly, truly believe are true for her, and in the reflection, must be a little bit true for me as well, and that's probably the only way i'm ever really going to learn.
I pretty damn sure I'm living the life I'm best suited for. Which might not be a social whirlwind, or even have a strong friend group, but I need to remember that this potential life which might include invitations and emails and a sense of belonging isn't something that would be in addition to all the things I have now, but quite possibly instead of all the things I have now. and while other parts of my life might have had more invitations, more sense of belonging to a group or a heard, and while I wouldn't change where I've been for fear of not getting here, I wouldn't go back to where I was for love or money or peace of mind.
So, if I am confident in that knowledge, why can't I let more things go than I do?
Or am I looking at it from the wrong angle? Maybe instead I should remember the prickly hedgehog days, full of anxiety and imagined (or real) slights and each one of them torturous and I barely dared leave my room, and tell myself at least I'm not there anymore.
it's probably always time to be a little kinder to myself. For my cats are fascinated by the open windows, there's a yummy candle burning, multiple apparently awesome women comment in my livejournal, Light will be home soon, and we will make an african tomato-based peanut soup, and run errands and i will putter around our awesome house and shop online for a new, more spacious DVD rack and maybe watch some of Media's Gamespot shows and i will be truly and awesomely happy about each and every piece of this.
take that, insecurities. there's a good chance that one of these days, i'll finally figure out how to tune you out. just you wait.
"That's totally understandable. Sadly, we always want to feel like we fit in, even when the in group is assholes. Especially when the in group is assholes."
I fight a lot with myself about wanting to be wanted, or included, or invited or just plain liked. And since so many of my responses are along sour-grapes lines, that I invalidate that response in myself. I can't possibly really be that I wouldn't like the friendships once I acquired them, it's that I have no chance of acquiring them, so I might as well believe that I didn't want them in the first place.
But, maybe sometimes the grapes really are sour.
I've been lucky enough to have someone (not Light) come into my life when i've been at pretty much the exactly right place to talk about it, which is fantastic. and i can tell her things i truly, truly believe are true for her, and in the reflection, must be a little bit true for me as well, and that's probably the only way i'm ever really going to learn.
I pretty damn sure I'm living the life I'm best suited for. Which might not be a social whirlwind, or even have a strong friend group, but I need to remember that this potential life which might include invitations and emails and a sense of belonging isn't something that would be in addition to all the things I have now, but quite possibly instead of all the things I have now. and while other parts of my life might have had more invitations, more sense of belonging to a group or a heard, and while I wouldn't change where I've been for fear of not getting here, I wouldn't go back to where I was for love or money or peace of mind.
So, if I am confident in that knowledge, why can't I let more things go than I do?
Or am I looking at it from the wrong angle? Maybe instead I should remember the prickly hedgehog days, full of anxiety and imagined (or real) slights and each one of them torturous and I barely dared leave my room, and tell myself at least I'm not there anymore.
it's probably always time to be a little kinder to myself. For my cats are fascinated by the open windows, there's a yummy candle burning, multiple apparently awesome women comment in my livejournal, Light will be home soon, and we will make an african tomato-based peanut soup, and run errands and i will putter around our awesome house and shop online for a new, more spacious DVD rack and maybe watch some of Media's Gamespot shows and i will be truly and awesomely happy about each and every piece of this.
take that, insecurities. there's a good chance that one of these days, i'll finally figure out how to tune you out. just you wait.