omnia_mutantur: (Default)
[personal profile] omnia_mutantur
 This post is brought to you by a combination of 

a) picking up the final framed cross stitch I spent this year making for Tank's little sister yesterday
b) seeing a picture posted to facebook of Mech's happy family
c) a text Mech hasn't answered
d) a lot of feelings which have lead to 
e) crying in my office

Since I'm not going to send this letter to my little brother, I'm going to post it here.  I'm a little ashamed, I'm a little concerned the parents in the audience are going to tell me the ways in which I'm wrong, but posting feels like getting to say a thing, even if it's not saying it to the person I want to say it to.  

Dear Mech,
I feel like you and Teach are doing a shitty thing to me and in turn a shitty thing to Tank.
I suspect you both have problems with how I do things that you've chosen not to tell me about, but even with that, I'm an awesome aunt.  I love Tank deeply, I provided awesome free childcare, I took him to awesome classes and would continue to do so if it was possible.  

However I'm fairly certain that remaining seriously attached to someone controlled by people who can't be trusted to treat me decently is not a good plan for me.  
I'm going to try to stop begging for the opportunity to see him.  If the choices you make for him involve not being able to accomodate me in his life, then I'll abide by that (it's not like I've got a choice). But I believe if you can plan preschool and play dates, you can plan for me to have a presence in his life.  If you don't want to plan for that, I'd prefer you tell me that rather than pretend it's impossible to do so.  

Maybe you're not sending secret messages by not responding to my emails, texts and phone calls.  But the unsecret one, of not being someone you make time to respond to, is pretty clear.
I suspect you believe I can't actually understand either of your feelings because I'm not a parent, and that being a parent exempts you from treating me like I matter, because it is only Tank and his baby sister that actually matter.   Neither of us will ever know that, you can't say I don't understand your feelings and I can't say I do. But I suspect that your parent-feelings don't actually preclude making space for me in Tank's life, it's not that kind of either-or unless you decide it is.
Don't teach your kids that people who love them will leave them mysteriously. 


Date: 2017-04-13 03:22 pm (UTC)
athene: (athene)
From: [personal profile] athene
As a parent, I think you are 100% right. I think if there's a reason they do not want you in Tank's life, they need to own up and tell you. My husband's amazing girlfriend is godmother to my sons. I know that if they were ever to break up, I would make every effort to make sure she could still see my children. In my mind, she is family.

Date: 2017-04-14 05:21 am (UTC)
rosefox: Green books on library shelves. (Default)
From: [personal profile] rosefox
This parent, who has not always had a good relationship with their child's uncle, thinks you should send that letter, because your brother is pulling some real bullshit that's going to hurt his child and is already hurting you, and that's not okay.

Date: 2017-04-19 07:03 am (UTC)
evilpettingz00: (Default)
From: [personal profile] evilpettingz00
I'm sorry you're dealing with this stuff. Did you end up talking to your brother at all?

I especially agree with this part: "Don't teach your kids that people who love them will leave them mysteriously." I was pretty close to some of my cousins when I was little, but there was some drama among the adults and my mom had nothing more to do with her sister, which means I also didn't see my cousins anymore. Knowing what the problem was, it was understandable, but it didn't have anything to do with us kids and I don't like that we lost contact because of all that. What I learned from that as a kid was that people--even if they're family--are disposable. As an adult, I don't see people as disposable and hate losing them, but at the same, I'm also not much of a family person and am not close to anyone in my family... Probably due to all the dysfunction that I was never even a part of as I grew up, but felt the effects of.


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