Feb. 13th, 2017

omnia_mutantur: (Default)
 I babysit my nephew one day a week.  Son of my youngest brother, turned 2 last September.
 
My sister-in-law just informed me that I’m no longer going to have a regular day with him, starting in the summer (though actually basically starting mid-april, as she’s decided to sign him up for a playgroup on the day that we traditionally hang out.  He’ll be going to preschool 3 days a week, she’ll be taking him and his little sister to the beach one day a week and her mother will take over the last day.   Maybe she won’t be going back to work at all.  Maybe maybe maybe.
 
I’m absolutely heartbroken.
 
I’m still in the over-reacting phase (I hear my couples' counselor tell me that there's no such thing as over or under reacting, there's only reacting), where I’m telling myself I shouldn’t have cared so much, shouldn’t care so much, especially about matters that other people have all the control over.  And maybe I should just flounce, cancel altogether, write everyone off, give up on trying to be someone that any member of my genetic family is pleased with.  I was of use, and now I’m not, over and over again.
 
I want to know what I did wrong, I think I’m being punished, that I wasn’t good enough.  And of course, it’s probably not at all about me, it’s about her, and him, and the family as a whole.  I want my little brother to call me and actually talk to me, not have this news conveyed by email and text with a woman that I don’t necessarily like or know how to talk to. 
 
And I love Tank, and maybe I’ll still get to see him weekly, or maybe I’ll stop seeing him altogether and I’ll find a way to be fine with that.  But for the moment, I feel so fucking invalidated.  
 
And I had a weird and shitty Sunday, unable to keep my mood above the waterline, sinking into tears every time I stopped actively trying to suppress them.  Light had a sleep-over date with the woman he’s seeing, Abundance was at the last day of his all-weekend hackathon.   I wrote angry journal entries I then deleted, Skitterypoof managed to be chill enough to be cried on for a bit, I eventually sobbed on Abundance and it was a little bit cathartic, but there was the internal critic reminding me that if I was a better person I wouldn’t make him (or anyone) feel bad because I couldn’t wrangle my own emotions better.
 
What's the difference between self-soothing and hiding under the bed pretending the monsters can't get me?

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