Jan. 9th, 2017

omnia_mutantur: (Default)
 I haven't been to  the gym in a long time.   In addition to not usually going enjoying going to the gym in the first place, I've had to cope with first a sprained knee and then a gross cold.  Today was going to be my first day back, so of course I managed to get a migraine.  

I don't understand how people go easy on themselves.  I totally recommend it to other people all the time, I think that people I love should be gentle with themselves, understand that not every day is going to be a win, not every day requires storming any barricades.  But I look at myself and see nothing but a slippery slope that ends up with me never getting out of bed again, or if I manage out of bed, never leaving the house again.

Sometimes, I cry at my therapist and talk about how I just want to sleep u ntil I'm done sleeping, play stupid games on my phone until I'm bored, avoid until I run out of avoidance, cry until I'm done crying.  But I don't believe that any of those 'until' states exists, that I could in fact sleep forever, play sudoku for ever, browse pinterest forever, cry forever.   (I regularly remind myself that she's right, that so far no one has ever not stopped crying as far as either of us know).

And the extension of this is, if I ever cut myself slack, if I'm ever not disappointed in myself for not going to the gym, maybe I'll just never go again, and I know that I want to be someone who has gone to the gym, someone who gets the benefits of going to the gym, so I yell at myself until I do, and I yell more when I don't go, even if it's for a perfectly valid reason like I need to lay very still in a dark place and pray to all the gods I don't believe in that the meds will kick in soon.

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omnia_mutantur

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