(no subject)
Jul. 7th, 2025 03:11 pmThere are a lot of things I want done around the house that I lack the courage or the confidence to do, both big and little and I feel like if I buckled down, watched some youtube videos, realized I'm not going to render the house uninhabitable if I fuck up a cupboard door more than it is already fucked up, and asked Hands to borrow some tools I could actually do, but instead I don't and instead beat myself up on the regular for doing so. I don't work. No one pays me to do anything. I mostly keep the house clean, the pets well attended to and the errands run, and when I'm at least at 60% functioning, the house full of food. I volunteer a couple places every week, but usually no more than 6-8hrs a week, I hang out with Spark once-to-twice a week. So I should be chock full of both time and energy with which to do all the things and yet the list of things I would "like" to do seems to remain constant or ever increasing.
I live in absolute dread of making things worse across the board. My mental health, my relationships, my back yard, the aforementioned cupboard door, and when I pair that with the assumption that I'm probably going to ruin everything I touch (both literally and metaphorically) that makes forward motion somewhat difficult. And I want to know all the things before I tackle anything, but it turns out the internet will provide me with an endless supply of confidently delivered contradictory information, adding to the paralysis.
I want there to be someone to hire to teach me about house-things, or classes to take. I want someone to explain what's happening to the front door (I think the veneer is peeling off and that the only fix is replacing) or supervise me recaulking the bathroom and give me real-time feedback.
But also I don't want it to be anyone I already know, because I can never tell until the actual moment if it's going to be one of those days that not knowing something feels socially dangerous in a way that makes curiosity really hard to access. I spend a lot of energy committed to being cheerful or at least not-super-defensive about gaps in my knowledge, and I genuinely like it when people teach me things, and in general, I feel like no one's judging me when I don't know things. But also spending so much time using every scrap of willpower I had to fake functionality left me with some situationally inappropriate reflexes, I get muddled on what is and isn't okay to know/know how to do. (Or I find myself asking questions not to learn, but as a placating/fawning response even when there's no threat and then I'm not actually learning anything because any information won't go into any sort of long-term storage.)
Eventually I'll commit to calling a handyman, or fucking it up and then calling a handyman, but for now i guess I'll spend a lot of time thinking about the problem without taking any action.
I live in absolute dread of making things worse across the board. My mental health, my relationships, my back yard, the aforementioned cupboard door, and when I pair that with the assumption that I'm probably going to ruin everything I touch (both literally and metaphorically) that makes forward motion somewhat difficult. And I want to know all the things before I tackle anything, but it turns out the internet will provide me with an endless supply of confidently delivered contradictory information, adding to the paralysis.
I want there to be someone to hire to teach me about house-things, or classes to take. I want someone to explain what's happening to the front door (I think the veneer is peeling off and that the only fix is replacing) or supervise me recaulking the bathroom and give me real-time feedback.
But also I don't want it to be anyone I already know, because I can never tell until the actual moment if it's going to be one of those days that not knowing something feels socially dangerous in a way that makes curiosity really hard to access. I spend a lot of energy committed to being cheerful or at least not-super-defensive about gaps in my knowledge, and I genuinely like it when people teach me things, and in general, I feel like no one's judging me when I don't know things. But also spending so much time using every scrap of willpower I had to fake functionality left me with some situationally inappropriate reflexes, I get muddled on what is and isn't okay to know/know how to do. (Or I find myself asking questions not to learn, but as a placating/fawning response even when there's no threat and then I'm not actually learning anything because any information won't go into any sort of long-term storage.)
Eventually I'll commit to calling a handyman, or fucking it up and then calling a handyman, but for now i guess I'll spend a lot of time thinking about the problem without taking any action.